does anybody else think that if they don't find somebody by a certain time...

mount_shasta · 6 months

to be honest what bothers me most is that I know I could have lots of value to others but because of my loneliness induced depression I subconsciously sabotage myself from utilizing any potential benefit I could provide to others. I often times wish I was a mere loser moron with no potential to be any good to the world. At least that way I wouldn't feel bad about wasting my life.

mount_shasta · 6 months

well if you think you have the intelligence/capability to change things in such a manner, than more power to you. If you get success It'd be cool if you could send a sex-bot thingy my way but I understand if you have bigger priorities. ;p

mount_shasta · 6 months

well you "participate" no matter what you do so it's a moot point. Maybe the word I'm looking for is "contribute". Ideally I would like to contribute to a society that accepts me fully (which includes my need for an intimate relationship). If I can't have that than I kinda don't care what happens. In which case the main reason to kill yourself would be that it becomes too much work to keep yourself alive without a genuine purpose. Which is something I'd not be motivated to come up with for a place I don't feel I belong. It's all theoretical at this point though, perhaps I will figure out a stress free way to accumulate enough money (bwa ha yea right) that I can find enough distractions from my misery.

mount_shasta · 6 months

I have some female friends but none that I feel comfortable with this kind of arrangement. Either way I don't consider it a good foundation for a relationship.

mount_shasta · 6 months

and if I participate I still lose because I'm investing energy in something I don't care about.

mount_shasta · 6 months

after glancing at your comment history I'm going to have to say no.

mount_shasta · 6 months

There's more to life than relationships.

I think there is more to life too but I view denial of a relationship as a rejection from life and society, which makes me not want to participate in all the "other stuff". I have no desire to be part of something that I feel does not accept me fully.

As regards your plan, I just hope you have the balls not to go through with it.

why do you care? I'm not somebody you are ever going to meet. Certainly by the time I am considering suicide this interaction will be long forgotten.

mikeah3 · 6 months

what if your problems are things that become harder to solve with age? ie, missing out on critical social development, deteriorating health, stagnant finances, etc. I get tired of this condescending notion that "it always gets better". Sometimes it gets better, sometimes it gets worse, and sometimes it just sucks at a steady level. Everybody's case is different.

also; the little circle looks like a martini olive.

ilterates · 6 months

I had that happen once with some chick from high school that I didn't really even know that well. She probably saw that I had only 117 friends (or whatever) and decided she didn't like being so "exclusive" to my circle. Whatever, I just randomly added her and a couple other people for no real reason. Just to see what would happen, I guess.

danno147 · 6 months

that kind of info is the worst stuff to put in a security question. A lot of the time that kind of information is on public record somewhere. Anybody kind find out the answer to something like your "mother's maiden name" and type it in and BOOM, they have your password.

oasig239 · 6 months

it ranks as the 214th highest mountain in Nova Scotia and the 14,217th highest mountain in Canada.

whoa man don't get ahead of yourself or anything.

Suberotica · 6 months

I had the same basic thing happen to me only I actually traveled to meet her. It went ok but not nearly as well as I wanted. She waited till after I left to tell me that she wasn't interested. This was maybe a year and a half ago, and only in the past couple of months has it really not been bothering me much. I'm still miserable because my life is a mess but I don't think that much about her anymore, thank god. It really felt for a while like I'd never "get over it", but I pretty much did. I'm still bothered by the prospect of not finding somebody though. This girl raised my standards pretty high and I don't think they can be lowered.

The_Turbinator · 7 months

now I know someone might suggest to take a look at that as an example of how things will get better; however, you have to understand that that was the -one and only- time that has ever happened in the the 26 years that I was alive. To me that is an example of how much I have missed out on, and an example of how long I might have to wait until another off-chance, random, one day encounter happens.

Yea, this is certainly one way to look at it, but it's not necessarily the most realistic. It could be more a matter that your first 26 years were just building up to making that sort of "almost" connection happen, and now that you've had your first, they will become more and more frequent until the connection becomes more than "almost". Of course I don't know the details, maybe it really was a fluke, but even still it shows that there is some degree of hope, which however small, is reason to hang in there. Compared to my situation, I had one relationship when I was 17 referenced here, and another "almost" relationship from the internet 10 years later, referenced here. I could interpret this to mean that I only get a chance every 10 years, which means not only do have to wait around for another decade, but also if I screw up than I'm really fucked seeing I don't see myself finding a satisfying relationship at age 47 when my life is well over more half done. Even 37 seems like a long-ass time to wait, but I just assume that I won't be the same person from 17-27 as I was from 27-37 and that there is a chance I will figure out how to make something happen sooner this time around. Or not, which would suck, but I'm not going to come to any conclusions before the time has played itself out in reality, as there is no way of knowing whether or not I would be accurate.

I do resonate with most everything else you say, and my "almost" experiences certainly confuse matters and feel like cruel teases that perhaps I'd be better off without, just like I'd be better off without this inner "fire" and what I would even call "love" of the world and everything in it. If I could just get rid of this feeling, I could peacefully move away from this existence, but these stupid "almost" connections just keep bringing me back. Then again, they are something to grab hold of, and a reminder to persevere. Who knows, maybe in the long run it won't matter, and we're all just fucked. I think this is a good possibility to be aware of, but we shouldn't fixate on it and we certainly shouldn't assume it as a fact. I realize though that it's hard to keep this perspective, for all the reasons you illustrate in your post. Sometimes it just feels hopeless, and that life will just be a tedious chore we have to perform while constantly observing from a window happiness in others that we were tricked into believing we should be able to obtain for ourselves. Death might seem like an appealing release from this, but it's also a tough line to cross seeing as we don't really know what's on the other side. Even if the odds in life don't seem in our favor, at least we know what they are, and can find ways to improve them. Death might not afford us those options.

I wish I had better answers to these problems than I do, other than to say hang in there for the time being and come to a place like this when you are getting overwhelmed. You obviously are a deep feeling and eloquent person based on your writing, I know there is a girl out there who you can make very happy (and she can do the same for you). The hard part is finding her.

The_Turbinator · 7 months

The absolute truth that I could not deny, no matter how much I wanted to, is that my inner fire continued to burn. I couldn't put that fire out no matter how much I tried to smother it. It didn't work. If I had killed myself, it would have to be while knowing that I have a strong desire to live and an inner passion that could power a small city. I had this when I was 11 and I still have this today. That will always be a part of who I am. To kill myself would require me to deny that part of myself.

So why do suicidal people lie to themselves? Why do they say things like "I just don't care anymore" when that is the furthest thing from the truth? Because the amount of emotion they contain, with no direction and no outlet while mixed with severe frustration........it hurts. It hurts a lot. It hurts more than anything has ever hurt. It cuts deeper than anything. It hurts at the core, at a cellular level. And there is no getting away from it. It is always there. It is like a cancer that doesn't kill you. Rather, it makes you want to kill yourself.

But...

The reason it hurts is because it is a powerful thing. For this reason, I know there will be a day where I fall in love again, because I really don't have another choice.

that's a brilliant piece of writing. Never heard it summed up so concisely but yea, that's pretty much it. I do wonder over time if that "fire" will burn out or if my situation will be so hopeless that it will just seem ridiculous, but I guess cross that bridge when I get to it.

The_Turbinator · 7 months

I'm 28 and I still have some hope however much it's waning with time. Maybe in your late 30's or 40's you can legitimately think you have nothing to look forward to but you've got some time before that. The main advice I'd offer is to not waste these years. Develop some interests, get on a workout regimen, and try to forge a good career path. Doing these things now will help you remedy your "forever alone" status later on, but for now try not to worry about it too much. There will be plenty of time for worrying later on. Also, be sure to try and enjoy yourself, and enjoy life. I realize it's not easy given that there is so much to be miserable about, but try not to focus too much energy on that. Maybe you can channel your depression into some kind of artistic endeavor?

mount_shasta · 7 months

I wouldn't say I linger in the past; I still hang out with her on occasion because she's a good friend in the present (and hopefully future), one of the best I've ever had. I'd love it if she lived 10 minutes away, not so much that I'd see her more but she's really social (and I'm really not) so I'd be able to "use" her to expand my social circle since she'd basically do the work and "vette" me for people. We live close enough and see each other enough that over the long term, this still might be possible. So it's worth seeing her, I just wish it didn't come with these mood swings, which fwiw, did not start happening till the past year or so, when my lifetime FA status has begun really cementing itself. Prior to that I always just assumed I'd find somebody else. Now I'm not so sure.

uglythrowaway1234 · 8 months

lucky.

orange_jooze · 8 months

The difference is that they know how to fake it, and you don't, because faking requires confidence, and you're not the guy with confidence. You're the guy who's afraid that if people hear you pee, they'll know you're doing it wrong, (somehow).

got to this and lost it. No I didn't piss myself, but I do have a shy bladder and spend a lot of time worrying that people aren't hearing me pee.

orange_jooze · 8 months

wait until you start approaching 30 and have not much more a clue than when you were 18. Ok that's a bit of an exaggeration, but I certainly always feel like I need 4x as much time as everybody else. I really resonate with that last line about finally figuring out the new rules only to find they've changed on me.

alcoholiccactus · 8 months

I got trashed 2 nights ago and I'm still feeling nausea/dizziness and just generally feeling out of it. Fuck, I hope I haven't done any liver damage, and I really hope this shit is gone by tomorrow. I can't remember the last time I had a two day hangover, if I've ever even had one.

mount_shasta · 8 months

personally I'd focus on a career/job and put the other stuff on hold. If you get that settled, it will free more energy to deal with your mental issues. It's hard enough to deal with that stuff when you are financially strapped and/or don't have a clear path with a future. The only exception would be if your mental issues get in the way of figuring out these things to an excessive degree. It's going to make things difficult for sure, it's just a question of how much can be tolerated.

mount_shasta · 8 months

You seem to recognize that that is part of the problem keeping you out of work.

it certainly plays no small part but I'd say laziness and depression is playing a bigger part. I could be putting together resume's, transcripts, researching possible careers and emailing people about them. This can be done without any regard towards my SA. I even have a career counselor that is trying to help me organize, yet I don't do anything. I mostly just sit around angry and depressed about my life. If I can just fight through towards some kind of career path and get that settled, than maybe dealing with the SA won't seem as monstrous as it does now.

anyway, I have been trying to get help with the SA but the financial situation is blocking that. I tried contacting one highly regarded cbt program in treating it, but because I have Asperger's in addition to SA I was told I was ineligible for a "sliding scale" payments based on income and would have to pay $180 per session. I have other avenues to explore but due to my depression, little setbacks like this are really discouraging and it usually takes me a long time to try something else. The looming feeling I have is that there really isn't enough time left to fix things to a level I'd find acceptable to be satisfied with my life. Maybe there never was enough time, maybe my expectations are too high, but they are what they are. In response I see everything as a message from the world that I don't belong here and really should be thinking of getting the fuck out.

mount_shasta

TROPHY CASE

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