I don't think I can do this forever

WhyWhyWhyPlease · 12 months

I can't understand it, but for some reason, if you're touched by suicide, you almost feel compelled to do the same. I felt suicidal after my friend died. Then, when I was in the depths of depression, my wife was diagnosed with an incurable cancer. That made me want to kill myself even more, but at the same time, it gave me a real reason not to, since she needed me more than ever.

For now, my advice is to sort out your feelings, and talk to a school counselor. Personally, I think they may over-react if you tell the counselor you're feeling suicidal, so you might want to just tell them you are deeply affected by what happened, and you need to talk.

Give yourself time to work through this. I battle suicidal feelings every day because of my friend and my wife. I have to constantly remind myself that those are not productive thoughts, and that I have important work to do while I'm alive.

dyinginside · 1 year

Okay, so you've read my past posts. I think suicide is contagious. I don't know how much I'd be thinking about it if I hadn't known someone who did it. She had more problems than you can imagine, and now she has none. That's something to think about.

But on the other hand, those problems might have been resolved by now (it's been a year), and relegated to bad memories.

It goes both ways.

dyinginside · 1 year

I didn't mean to imply that I'm rich, but at our age, the mortgage is paid off, and our income is decent.

But we cannot get out there and do the things we want because of the cancer. After she's off chemo I want to take her on a trip somewhere, and do more of the things we want to do, but she's just not up for it right now. Her chemo will last a full year (started January 2010), and it will probably take a couple months after the last treatment before she feels like having fun. But yes, we do need to get out and enjoy when she is up for it.

dyinginside · 2 years

My God. I had to read your post a few times before the truth of it hit me.

Several months ago I helped her move out of her mother's home. It was an ugly scene, which is why she asked me to be there for her.

We moved her belongings to her trailer, which she couldn't live in, because she didn't have utilities. Of all her belongings, she asked me to hang on to one thing: a case of bottled water. She worried that rats would chew through the bottles. So I agreed to keep the case until she was settled. She never got settled, so I finally took the bottled water into my house, and figured I'd buy her a new one later.

After she died, those bottles of water became special to me. I drank a bottle every day, and felt like I was drinking in my friend's spirit... just like Joseph Campbell said. Strange how these feelings are universal.

dyinginside · 2 years

My agency offers this kind of counseling, but it's poorly conceived. They have agency employees who come in to counsel workers. On the surface, this sounds like an OK idea (since we have licensed counselors on staff), but the counselors are also agency administrators. They hear your deepest secrets one day, and make personnel decisions about you the next day. I think that's unacceptable.

blarghehh · 2 years

If your life is that good, and you still feel suicidal, I'm guessing you have an organic depression problem. I don't know if that's the right term to use, but your depression is probably something that you can't be cheered out of or talked out of. You need anti-depressant medication. Talk to your family doctor. If he (she) doesn't help you, see a different doctor.

You'll be okay with help. Just get help, OK?

dyinginside

TROPHY CASE

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