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[–]stoopkid13 50 points51 points ago

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Your boyfriend most likely feels just as he said: "another number," "not special," and "replaceable." He doesn't want to be #14 because, for him, #14 doesn't really mean anything because there are 13 others. Guys, generally, say exactly what they mean and mean exactly what they say.

So how do you help? You do not need to justify your past, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't talk about it. Your BF sees himself as a number in a long sequence (his opinion, not mine). But the only requisite for a Number is sex; your relationship is built on much more than that. What makes what you two have special and different? And not in the novelty sense, but why does he stand apart? That is what he wants--to stand apart. You have to help him realize that focusing on sex is not going to set him apart, which is fine because your relationship cannot (or should not) be reduced to sex anyway.

This reminds me of the scene in Four Weddings and a Funeral, where Hugh Grant and Andie MacDowell discuss their own sexual histories. Andie has like 30. Hugh has like 3. Obviously, your bf and Hugh Grant's character are different people and will react differently, but the idea is the same. A number's just a number and you should be focusing on something more.

[–]fullofheart2020[S] 16 points17 points ago

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I did say that a number is just a number.

I also told him all the ways he's the one for me. I didn't base any of it around sex. How could he feel that he is just another one down the line when I said I too wanted to get married, and we plan on moving in together? Do people go through that with someone who's not special?

[–]ignatia_amara 7 points8 points ago

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How could he feel that he is just another one down the line when I said I too wanted to get married, and we plan on moving in together? Do people go through that with someone who's not special?

Apparently so, since my BF was having the same issues recently. It blew my mind that after telling him that I love him, and discussing engagement, and having concrete plans of moving in together within a certain time frame, he was unclear about my feelings towards him.

[–]the_sLiDe 13 points14 points ago*

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I don't understand why girls are surprised. The good guys care. For something to last love, values and respect are some of the things needed - for yourself and your partner. If your values are not aligned on this (how special sex is, what is right/wrong) then it is very difficult to reconcile for a man (in this specific context).

[–]ignatia_amara 4 points5 points ago

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Right, but why have doubts about it after I've stated in no uncertain terms that our values are aligned?

[–]the_sLiDe 7 points8 points ago

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I don't know the specifics of the relationship but it could be a number of things. If you live by a set of values your whole life, and someone else learns them by experience... it is difficult to accept that they are truly there, solid and aligned (but not impossible... ).

[–]ignatia_amara 2 points3 points ago

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I suppose I could see that. :)

[–]ylca 16 points17 points ago

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Hey, self-proclaimed "good guy" here. If my woman loves me and treats me well her past doesn't really mean anything, especially if she's shown consistent action over a decent period of time (like the year OP has been dating for instance). What exactly, again, is he worried about if her actions have been nothing towards positive towards him?

Could it be that thing about "the way" women who have "too much sex" act? This guy doesn't have a leg to stand on and is certainly no Good Guy Greg because he's acting as though his girlfriend doesn't care about him or her care is "less special" because she's had more sex than he has.

[–]OneUpGirl 2 points3 points ago

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because she's had more sex than he has

I agree, but It's also worth noting that she hasn't even necessarily had more sex than he has! Just more partners.

Ultimately, having sex with 2 people 5 times each is the same amount of sex as having 10 one-night-stands. It's a toss-up as to which one of these scenarios results in a higher level of sexual experience, in my book.

[–]the_sLiDe 1 point2 points ago

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I agree whole-heartedly with this. They need to work together and see each side of the story. Having been in that situation... the way things happened, how they felt about it, and what kind of woman they are today all impact how I feel about the whole situation. More often then not, there is an underlying cause and something I'm not comfortable with. ex: Needing to feel validated, dating/sleeping with men who are not on the same page as them, issues (insecurity, abuse), etc...

[–]smellslikerain 2 points3 points ago

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If my woman loves me and treats me well her past doesn't really mean anything

I love confidence in a man. Being able to distinguish between a real threat and an imagined one. Jealous people see threats everywhere and it's emotionally exhausting to the innocent party. They're needy and hostile at the same time.

Jealousy is usually a sign of weakness.

[–]Blondini69 0 points1 point ago

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I agree that this amount of insecurity (manifested as jealousy) and in this situation is a bad sign but i don't agree that the feeling of jealousy itself is a sign of weakness, i'd say it's more a sign of being human. But yes no doubt, this form of it is certainly a weakness in himself, and it seems to be way too common among us males. So many guys focus on the past even though in reality, the past cannot be changed and what really counts and what is really important is the NOW and the connection between these two people. I suppose i can understand how he is comparing himself to them and he wants to stand out but it seems so obvious that the reason he is in a committed relationship with this girl is BECAUSE he stands out. Thoughts? Sorry for rambling on my response

[–]therewontberiots 5 points6 points ago

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Care about what? Is it bad if a woman has had a dozen or more partners before you? (As in, does it necessarily imply something bad about her value system?) Does it mean she can't value sex and relationships as much as the guy?

[–]the_sLiDe 1 point2 points ago

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Of course not. It's only about what you feel is important or not (values).

[–]InfinitelyThirsting 1 point2 points ago

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Yes, people should care about values, but no, not all the good guys care about numbers. Because you just said that a guy who thinks sex isn't something to be counted can't be a good guy. Be careful about that.

[–]the_sLiDe 0 points1 point ago

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True, not all the good guys care about numbers but a lot do.

[–]Hollinsgrl 5 points6 points ago

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The good guys might care but they would also understand that someone cannot change what has happened in the past before she even knew him. If he is judging her for somethingthat she cannot change then he is not a "good guy"

[–][deleted] 12 points13 points ago

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Don't ever fucking tell your number. Never. God, why don't people get this?

[–][deleted] 23 points24 points ago

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Him being 14 makes him fear that there may be a #15. How were the last 13 guys special enough to have you yet not good enough for you to stay with.

It's all insecurity. Don't listen to reddit for this. They all say that a man is sexist and abusive the second he acts in any way besides a doormat. This is a biased crowd. He hasn't done anything wrong, he is just insecure and you need to make him feel that he is special to you.

14 isn't a small number for your age. It doesn't make you a whore, but it's enough to make a guy of his age feel lesser. That's a lot of competition for someone his age.

[–]Flash_Daaaa 1 point2 points ago

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They all say that a man is sexist and abusive the second he acts in any way besides a doormat.

That hasn't been my experience here... I've found nothing but good advice all around(when you aggregate the advice anyway).

[–]Alpha-Leader 2 points3 points ago

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It goes away with time, trust, and love. I have personally been in a situation like this and now I don't have any feeling like this anymore.

[–]fullofheart2020[S] 1 point2 points ago

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I really hope youre right. I trust him a lot. He doesn't bother me about where I am or who I'm with. I think he trusts me.

We love eachother a lot.

But stillll, this seems to be wearing him down

[–]azurikai 6 points7 points ago

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honestly don't listen to ChicagoRunner, he doesn't deserved to be babied, when you've done nothing wrong. you're allowed to have a past, and it shouldn't be judged.

[–]ChicagoRunner 5 points6 points ago

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That is your problem. He feels sexually incompetent compared to these other 13 guys. Tell him he is special for all the reasons you already said, BUT TELL HIM HE IS SPECIAL FOR SEX TOO. That is what he is insecure about.. Tell him hes so good at sex, blah blah blah. Seriously, a lot of women do not understand this in situations like this. He knows all that other bull shit on why he is "special" That doesn't help him with his insecurities about SEX. TELL HIM WHY HE IS SPECIAL SEXUALLY AND WHY HE IS SEXUALLY BETTER THAN THOSE OTHER GUY. FUCK, ITS SO SIMPLE. DO IT. POST FOLLOW UP

[–]fullofheart2020[S] 7 points8 points ago

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I have done that for months, even before I knew about this issue.

My friends think i exaggerate, but he is the best. And I tell him. I always have.

[–]ChicagoRunner 6 points7 points ago

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I hope this works out. You are doing everything right. He needs to give a little as well. =/

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

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Explain that your number is what it is because you spent time looking for someone like him and it's not easy to do. Explain that you don't want there to be a #15. Be nice and caring about it, but be clear that he needs to get over it.

[–]therewontberiots 1 point2 points ago

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Why should she say that if it's not true? Why does she have to be apologetic or make prior partners about him? What previous behavior should she feel ashamed about?

[–]ChicagoRunner 0 points1 point ago

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It is not wrong to tell a Noble Lie

[–]teeroller 0 points1 point ago

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i don't think that will work.

[–]IBDPhoenix 2 points3 points ago

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Isn't it obviously her problem? Why point that out? Telling him he is special for sex too could be helpful, but it doesn't change the fact that he was shaming her for having those partners. It's not that simple. Both parties can come out of this better or we can just make it her problem. (Or his problem.)

And the reasons why she thinks he is special better not be bullshit. That is just kinda mean. They may be irrelevant to one topic, but they are not bullshit.

[–]ChicagoRunner 1 point2 points ago

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She can help him get over it by making him feel more confident and better than those guys. Why is it okay to say he is emotionally better but not physically when this whole thing is about her physical past.

what ever they aren't bull shit. My point still stands

he will never get over it if she doesnt make him feel better sexually than all those other guys and if she really wants this relationship to last, SHE WILL DO THAT or else he will NEVER get over it.

[–]IBDPhoenix 3 points4 points ago

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Yes, she is wanting to help him get over it, and yes addressing how she feels about sex with him would help. But helping him get over it doesn't mean the rest is bullshit, or that it is her responsibility. And she has no reason to feel guilty or ashamed over it, basically. And he has tried to do that, so some understanding and work needs to come from him too.

NO YOU DON'T NEED CAPS FOR THAT. I CAN READ in lowercase. :)

[–]ChicagoRunner 4 points5 points ago

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She shouldn't feel guilty, but they obviously have moral differences on what sex should be. If she really cares about the relationship, all she needs to do is reinforce that he is better sexually than all those other guys. He already knows he is emotionally better. However, that isnt the problem. He will never get over it if she doesn't do that.

I know because I've done this to a couple girls I have been in relationships with. A little confidence goes a long way.

[–]IBDPhoenix 4 points5 points ago

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But she shouldn't be made to feel guilty for the moral differences. And since he has been doing that, there are 2 issues. That has been my point. Otherwise, I agree you have to talk about sex.

[–]EncasedMeats 2 points3 points ago

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Guys, generally, say exactly what they mean and mean exactly what they say.

But they rarely say what that really means to them. He may feel like "just a number" but what, specifically, does that mean to him? It seems to be a bad thing, but why (again, specifically)?

[–]Hiddencamper 20 points21 points ago

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He's slept with 6 people. And he's being judgy? Really? If he slept with 0 or 1 I could see maybe feeling a little inexperienced. But 6? He should stfu. Besides it's your past, not your present or future. And you probably wouldn't be the person he grew to like/love if you didn't have all those experiences.

[–]GAndroid 1 point2 points ago

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Hello there from a guy who has slept with 0 people (i am 24 as well). Generally for people who has slept with no one - they wont even date someone who has had 14 partners.

I dont mean to stereotype - but really, I am positioning myself in place of that guy. What would I feel? I would feel like I can be dumped anytime - and this girl is a very wanted person and will probably go for #15 with no problem. Meanwhile I will dumped and I wont even get to #2.

Now #6 might be a little bit different - but judging from his responses - 6 is a lie. He is probably at #1 or #2.

[–]tuba_man 9 points10 points ago

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Preface, because I saw it mentioned elsewhere in this thread: Men do say exactly what's on their mind, but there's more to it than that. We'll say exactly what's on the surface, but rarely is that the whole story. I'm not always good at explaining myself so here's an excellent illustration of what I'm trying to say. We like to get "straight to the point" but we don't always say what leads up to the point. Sometimes we don't always know either. In other words, he's bothered by your sexual history, but he's not saying why.

It sounds like you have a reasonable view on sexual history. It sounds like he doesn't. I don't necessarily think he's controlling - it's too easy in our society to get this weird 'ownership' mentality over our significant others' sex lives, past and present. (It happens to a lot of people, but seems to be guys especially) The fact that he's recently started asking about your past may be a red flag, or it may be just him starting to second-guess himself or something else more benign.

I've been with women far more experienced than I was at the time. I loved learning from them. I learned not just what they wanted, but how to communicate my own desires as well. On the other hand, in my most serious relationship, I was her first. She was gorgeous and sharp as a tack, but had similar misgivings about my past that your boyfriend does about yours. I guess what I'm saying here is I've lived both sides of this issue.

So, I've got some words to pass on to your dude.

Dear OP's Boyfriend,

First, we'll address what you say is the problem:

  • Everything you have done in the past has brought you to where you are today, same for her. If it weren't for her past, good and bad, she would not be who she is today, and would probably not be with you today. Accept the past for what it is and live for tomorrow.

  • You're both reasonably experienced. This is a good thing. This means you probably both have a good handle on what you want in bed. Since it sounds like you two can at least talk to each other, that makes it that much easier to satisfy each other. Enjoy it!

Now, on to the real issue. It's not really about the number, is it? She's more experienced than you, and that's tough to think about sometimes. You're probably worrying about whether or not you can keep up, or how you measure up to her others, or something like that? Ask yourself these questions, see if this helps.

  1. Has she been honest with her partners? In the past, regardless of the relationship situation, she hasn't cheated on anyone, and she's been safe. No problems there, right?

  2. Has she been honest with you? She's still not cheating, she's telling you about her past which she has every right not to go into detail about. (Your only obligation to each other about the past is to mention anything that would affect today - you both have up-to-date STD tests, right?)

  3. This relationship is about more than just sex, right? She's with you, she wants to stay with you, she likes hanging out with you, and she still wants sex from you. Whatever shortcomings you may or may not have, she's yours. You've got all the different parts of a good relationship, and she's not running away. You're not getting anything from her that would give you reason to be insecure.

  4. Then why are you freaking out? Whatever's going on in your head dude, stop blaming her for it. Yeah, she's had a few more partners than you. So what? She's with you, she loves you, she wants to stay with you, and she likes fucking you.

TL;DR:

OP: Don't let this freak-out get you down. Sounds like you two have a good thing going. Just keep being open and honest with him, communication is the key to a successful relationship. You seem to be doing your part, keep it up. OP's BF: You've got something going on in your head that you're not talking to her about. I don't have enough information to figure out what your deal is, but whatever it is, it's not her fault. Her past brought her to you and she's all yours right now. Dude, something's bothering you. You've figured out what, but not why. (Or you're not saying why) Dig deeper and talk to her about it.

[–]fullofheart2020[S] 2 points3 points ago

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Thank you. I have taken these points to him. I will post an Update thread shortly.

[–]tuba_man 1 point2 points ago

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Good luck!

[–][deleted] 53 points54 points ago

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Honestly, I don't see much difference between 6 partners and 14. Exactly when in his mind does he draw the line between him and you, between "special" and "just another number"? It seems like sexist double standard slut-shaming bullshit to me. And he should be ashamed of the way he has treated you.

He needs to get a clue. The number of partners you've had doesn't make someone more or less "special" to you because there's a hell of a lot more to a relationship than sex. I'm sure you must find him special in other ways seeing as you are putting up with this so far.

And as others have said, definitely watch out for other red flags. Possessiveness like this can be a big red flag.

[–]geckospots 9 points10 points ago

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I suspect that in this case x is less than 6.

[–]Nobody_Nailed_It 3 points4 points ago

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agreed, if he can't be convinced that no matter what or who you've done in the past it's 100% his problem. This is something that an 18 year old guy should be stressing about (if that), not at 24 though.

[–]Neemii 23 points24 points ago

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This is something you need to be able to sit down and discuss with him. If he can't deal with your past, the events that have made you into the person who he presumably loves, then he can't handle being with you. It's not fair for him to expect you to act ashamed of or to ignore parts of your life. This is something that he needs to understand.

It sounds a great deal like he has created an image of you based on your sexual history and now he assumes a possessive position over you for fear that someone from your past will show up and 'swoop' you off. He also clearly has the impression that sex means less when you've had it many times before. I would assume that most of his 6 partners did not have many other partners.

I would sit him down and ask him if because you're number 7, you mean less to him than his first partners. I would ask him what he thinks "sleeping around" is, and why it's a negative thing. If you were safe, and you have committed to sleeping only with him now, in the present time, why does the past matter?

But honestly, this sort of possessiveness is a big warning sign to me. If someone can't deal with even seeing people you know without getting upset, that is not a good sign. I don't think I would be able to deal with someone who looked at my past with this kind of disgust.

[–]fullofheart2020[S] 11 points12 points ago

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I think you're about right there. Based on what he's told me, he lost his virginity with a virgin, and the other girls were inexperienced.

I don't know what he thinks sleeping around is. I say that because I asked him what he qualified as sleeping around. To which he replied "..uh..I dont know! you had sex with like...7 guys after you broke up with your last boyfriend! 7 guys in a 11 months! thats sleeping around!"

Neemii, I feel like I shouldn't be worried if I run into someone I hooked up with, but I am. I feel as if it's to the point where I'll do whatever as long as he doesn't feel that way again and throw the keys to my apartment on the kitchen table. I'm too honest. If he asks how I know someone, I will say "we casually dated for a month or two." Should I lie? Should I sugarcoat it? I don't want to do that EVER and I'm afraid that's what Im going to start doing

[–]Neemii 4 points5 points ago

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His views on this definitely need questioning. Why is sleeping around a negative for him? Does he believe there should be a 'waiting period' when you date people before you have sex with them? If he does, did you two wait? Did he wait in his previous relationships? What does sex mean to him, and why does he feel that it's necessary to withhold sex from you due to your past? And, while this can be a difficult question to ask in such a charged situation, what is it in you that makes him willing to stay despite your past, but is somehow not enough for him to genuinely try to get over it?

If he chose to ask you detailed questions about your past, then you should not have to lie to him to make him more okay with being with you. He needs to be responsible for himself. I am actually currently with someone who is uncomfortable with people 'hooking up' casually, despite that I have done so in the past. However, even though she is uncomfortable with it, we have discussed how it doesn't and shouldn't affect our relationship, because our relationship is monogamous and not casual. We have discussed a partner of mine who I was casually involved with in the past, but it upsets her so we've agreed she would not ask me about it unless she was sure she could handle the response. I don't claim to be ashamed of it, and if it comes up in conversations with other people while she's around I won't sugar-coat it.

That being said, she never threatens to leave me due to my past. She might not want to hear sexual details, but she has come to terms with the knowledge that what has happened did happen. She only had one sexual partner before me, so I think if she can come to terms with this your boyfriend should be able to. It is unfair for him to expect every partner to be a virgin, and he knows that you aren't. He needs to either decide to deal with it like an adult and not ask what he doesn't want to know, or he needs to go find another virgin, or someone willing to pretend to be. A healthy relationship is not built on hiding parts of yourself and your past.

[–]ChicagoRunner 15 points16 points ago

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Some people are uncomfortable with partners who are more sexually experienced than they are. That does not make him a bad person. It seems like a legit problem to me.

[–]Neemii 4 points5 points ago

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No, it doesn't, and it is a legitamite problem. But you can be uncomfortable with something without shaming people for it. It should be an option to discuss his discomfort. As I mentioned elsewhere in this thread, I currently have a partner who is uncomfortable with my own sexual experience, but she is willing to discuss it with me and deal with it in a mature way.

[–]ChicagoRunner 2 points3 points ago

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She could simply fix the problem if she reinforces his sexual dominance over those other guys. Then problem solved forever. Otherwise, it IS a deal breaker for him.

Her point was that she wanted to MARRY him. If she wants that, this is what she should do. Otherwise they wont work.

[–]Neemii 1 point2 points ago

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The thing is, this means they need to talk about this. She can't reassure him that he is the one for her if he just gets upset and refuses to talk about it. Yes, if she wants to marry him, and he can deal with the idea of seeing a man she knows without getting angry that she may have had relations with this man in the past, then that is what they should do. I don't think blind reassurance will help, and I would assume that if it would than her telling him that he is amazing and that she wants to be with him for the rest of her life would stop these issues, which clearly it has not.

[–]fullofheart2020[S] 4 points5 points ago

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I made him wait about 2 weeks to have sex with me because I liked him immediately.

He tried for it every night except the first night.

[–]Neemii 3 points4 points ago

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So if he thinks it's so bad for someone to have 'slept around', why would he encourage sleeping together early on? If you two hadn't worked out, but you had had sex in the first two weeks, would he have considered having sex with you 'sleeping around' for himself?

These are all things you should discuss with him. You don't need to accuse him of anything, just tell him you are genuinely curious. The way he is thinking doesn't make much logical sense, and if you tease out the whys of it he will probably come to realize it himself.

[–]fullofheart2020[S] 2 points3 points ago

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I asked him that. And he said "Yes. I wanted to have sex with you. But then I liked you as well."

What he doesn't seem to understand was that the same thing happened to me...and when I tried to explain it he listened but concluded that it was still something that accidentally turned into a relationship...he could have just been a one night stand. I wanted to wait though! I really liked him!

[–]meanttolive 10 points11 points ago

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|I would sit him down and ask him if because you're number 7, you mean less to him than his first partners.

excellent.

[–]EncasedMeats 9 points10 points ago

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First off, you are not responsible for your boyfriend's feelings. Second, like all of us, he has confused his feelings with what he is making those feelings mean. Third, get yourselves into relationship counseling and learn how to talk about this stuff without your feelings (and what those feelings mean to you) getting in the way.

[–]StandardCakeToaster 13 points14 points ago

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Is there really much difference between 6 and 14? By his logic, shouldn't you be jealous and insecure about these 6 women? Bring it up and see what he says.

[–]fullofheart2020[S] 15 points16 points ago

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His excuse when I mentioned that was "its different because he didn't 'sleep around' like i APPARENTLY did.

Honestly? I never felt like I slept around. Everything I have done has had it's time and place. But he says that "14 guys IS sleeping around".

I dont know. I don't want to feel bad about myself..

[–]dcolt 18 points19 points ago

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I don't want to feel bad about myself

Don't. Even allowing for all his insecurities, this is a disrespectful, horrible thing for him to be saying.

I hope for your sake that he learns the error of his ways.

[–]absurdamerica 34 points35 points ago

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Don't let him "slut shame you". Men are stupid like this(I'm a man). Society says that for a guy, you can go wild, sleep with tons of women, and then settle down with a "nice pure girl" for marriage. This is all completely retarded and reinforces insane gender roles.

He's behaving like his sexual past doesn't matter but yours is "wrong" or "slutty" or whatever and that's a load of shit.

[–]fullofheart2020[S] 9 points10 points ago

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Thank you. I appreciate this comment a lot. I was definitely questioning whether or not I should feel ashamed...and I never had before..

[–]ChicagoRunner 1 point2 points ago

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What if her boyfriend is under the moral belief that no one should sleep around. Guy or Girl.

[–]absurdamerica 12 points13 points ago

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Then her boyfriend wouldn't have six sex partners and would likely be waiting until marriage.

Also, where do you draw the line? At exactly what number of partners does it become "sleeping around"? Somewhere between 6 and 14 it seems.

Perhaps it's not the number of partners but the length of time you've been dating them? What happens if you have 30 long term partners you've slept with?

Regardless, none of that matters because it is in the past, what happened, happened. You can't change it. If he seriously morally objects to her behavior he shouldn't go out with her.

[–]sexyfuntimes 6 points7 points ago

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14 is sleeping around but 6 isn't? He's just insecure that your number is higher than his, the same way anyone who drives faster than you is insane.

There isn't anything wrong with having sex. Sex is good and fun and leads to a happy, healthy life. You should be proud of how much sex you've had.

[–]StandardCakeToaster 2 points3 points ago

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Who is HE to draw the line between "sleeping around" and appropriate sexual conduct. Seriously?!

[–]AyeAyeCaptain 6 points7 points ago

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Oh, hell no! DO NOT FEEL BAD. This is his issue and he is trying to make you responsible for his feelings. You are a sexual being and are capable of making your own decisions about your body with whomever, whenever, for whatever reason.

He has a double standard and is judging you. I'd tell him straight up that this is his problem and if he can't deal with you being a your own woman then there's the door.

[–]MyOtherPersonality 11 points12 points ago

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Perhaps he feels like one of your one-night stands who for whatever reason stuck around. From the way you put it here,

Many of these men (besides the ones I was actually in a relationship with) took me out on dates, and I thought we were genuinely interested in eachother, so I also chose to sleep with them.

..it sounds you were clinging on men in search of a relationship, and he was the one who gave in. While others got what they wanted from you an moved on.

He doesn't feel special, perhaps feeling that if #12, or 10, or 9 would have wanted a relationship with you, they would be with you now. A point for that is that he seems to not have a problem with your long-term relationships.

Sorry for sounding harsh, I mean no offense and do not attempt to shame you. Just trying to come up with what could be screwing his head right now.

[–]fullofheart2020[S] 4 points5 points ago

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I completely understand what you are saying. I did like some men more then others, but I certainly wasn't getting drunk and not knowing who I had slept with.

It just stinks though because I definitely was looking for "something", but often didn't find it and broke things off quickly.

We immediately connected. We are deeply in love. And it was very apparent to me from the beginning. I don't know how to convey that.

[–]MyOtherPersonality 2 points3 points ago

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Well, tell him that. That you were picky, that other men, after initial contact, fell short of your expectations. That you weren't about to repeat the mistakes of your previous relationships, and didn't want to settle to less than perfect. That you were unfortunate to meet him so late, but happy that you met him at all. That he stood head and shoulders above all these men, and wasn't someone you had to convince yourself to be with. That he won and all other men lost.

A lot of folks here think he's being controlling and a hypocrite, and while on surface it might look like that, perhaps it's just a sympthom of his self-esteem suffering. Lovingly stroke his ego a bit :)

[–]_SMYD_ 3 points4 points ago

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Oh wow, any sane minded individual would look past this horseshit. After initial contact, the other guy fell short of expectations? So she 'put out' before she got to knew the guy? Is that what you are confirming? In my mind, logic would say OP would have got to know the man before sleeping with him to avoid the "Oh you aren't my type" excuse..

[–]Xanbatou 3 points4 points ago

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Yeah, I have to agree with this. As a guy, this is probably what would be bothering me. He may feel the same, and to be honest, I think its a legitimate concern.

[–]the_sLiDe 0 points1 point ago

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This needs to be up at the top.

[–]eyeball_kid 72 points73 points ago

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Your BF has internalized a whole bunch of gender oppressive, sex negative bullshit and it's turned him into a cringing self-centered insecure bag of slop that can't handle the fact that the whole world doesn't revolve around his penis. To help purge him of these shitty attitudes I recommend tying him down in a chair and forcing him to watch Chasing Amy followed by listening to every single episode of Dan Savage's Savage Love podcast. Maybe that will help.

[–]pumpkin_seed 19 points20 points ago*

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Whenever this topic comes up, there are always posts like this and I'm a bit confused. What is so wrong about being uncomfortable with your partner having had many partners? Why do I have to be comfortable with being the Xth guy this person has been with?

I mean, I kinda see where you are coming from, but I don't understand why I have to be ok with this.

I haven't slept around, why can't I want the same from someone who could potentially be my wife?

[–]Eilif 4 points5 points ago

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I haven't slept around, why can't I want the same from someone who could potentially be my wife?

That's fine. But if that's what you want, don't be dramatic and abusive about it. He's making her uncomfortable, and he's letting his discomfort with it ruin the relationship, even as he's trying to hold onto the relationship.

If you're not okay with it, it's okay to say so, and just leave. It's not like she can undo it. So you're either okay with her past or you're leaving. Can't have it both ways.

[–]eyeball_kid 0 points1 point ago

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You can want the same, just so long as you recognize it's sex negative and a kinda pathetic form of insecurity.

[–]JekyllVsHyde 10 points11 points ago

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You say that like people choose to be insecure, like people choose their thought-processes.

[–]_SMYD_ 3 points4 points ago

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Sex negative? What does that even mean? I disagree with it being a form of insecurity... I think it more shows the mans patience, commitment, and integrity. All qualities lacked by those that sleep around.

[–]fullofheart2020[S] 17 points18 points ago

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Seriously, I was watching Chasing Amy last week and thinking about this situation.

As an added piece of fun, shortly after the last blow up from this issue, he said he was going to work on it and that one day he wanted to marry me. Who even knows. I ran into a guy I kissed one time 3 years ago last night on the street and my boyfriend got a sour look on his face. Huh? I don't care if he accidentally runs into a girl he had a relationship with! Or even just sex with!

[–]killamcbills 57 points58 points ago

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Ugh, please have your guard up. 24 is still young, but he's showing you that he's got issues. Take heed and proceed with caution.

[–]Thurokiir 9 points10 points ago

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Yea, your bf has a lot of insecurity issues. Make a choice, sit down work out the niggles in the relationship via open communication, telling him "i dont like being judged in a relationship that is supposed to make me feel safe" and don't change who you are because atm, you're doing nothing wrong and only being yourself.

Or, slowly wind out the relationship until you guys break up. Either or is fine.

[–]Smhill 11 points12 points ago

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The sour look is kind of a sign that he's not a charming person. Or at least that he is kind of emo and sulky. I don't want to spoil your potential future marriage, but how many times does he make that face per week?

[–]CACuzcatlan 6 points7 points ago

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If it doesn't improve, leave. Why put up with that for the rest of your life? There are tons of guys who wont judge you for your past.

[–]notcaptainkirk 3 points4 points ago

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Well, you should really give him two options in that situation:

  1. Grow the fuck up

  2. Pack the fuck up (and leave)

[–]TheThirdBlackGuy 3 points4 points ago

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I'd like to politely disagree with your assessment. I'm not saying it isn't possible, but given everything else about the situation I don't see it as the most logical choice.

but then says he just needs to be more confident in us and why we're doing what we're doing.

Really? That comes across as self-centered? He might not be handling it as well as others (or should I say as well as you think others should). But, your characterization is based on nothing. There is no right way to approach sexual history between partners. If you believe everyone that goes against your notion of a sexually liberated female whose frequency of sexual encounters doesn't matter are all insecure bags of slop who think the world revolves around their penis is indicative of an issue in and of itself.

As one of the more sexual conservative men the vast majority of women's sexual history is of no concern to me. I'd posit that OP's boyfriend is the same. The only time it becomes relevant is in evaluating whether the woman in question is compatible with my own worldview. This is the issue at hand. Are there two views compatible? He can be dissuaded by an exhaustive sexual history as I'm sure many men are. Your paragraph of advice is so obtuse as to be useless in the vast majority of situations. Nowhere in that diatribe did you even consider that the OP should look into understanding why he feels this way. Has he had a poor experience with easy women? Does her sexual proclivities come out in her day-to-day life (or at least appear to in her boyfriend's eyes)?

Your "advice" is reactionary at best. As an avid listener to Dan Savage, I'm surprised you regurgitated his name after a ridiculously closed-minded response.

Please, OP, listen more to your boyfriend than strangers on the internet. He is clearly uncomfortable and wants to get over this. Running to unsympathetic strangers for affirmation will not resolve this issue (myself included).

[–]bogussistrunk 2 points3 points ago

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I'd be self centered too if I out performed 14 other guys.

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[–]ChicagoRunner 4 points5 points ago

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OKay, so let us take it a step further. How does this man simply "get over it." Why do people think that is a sufficient answer. No problems are that SIMPLE. tell her how she can help her boyfriend get over it.

[–]stinkyfoot 11 points12 points ago

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How does this man simply "get over it."

Well, sometime in their mid-20's people stop being such entitled, self-centered pricks, partially through having-life experiences, and partially because people's brains finish physically maturing around that time.

It's not exactly a simple process, and people often understate it when they talk about it. I think, the way I experienced it, at some point the shit that bothered me so much at one point started seeming trivial. Wasn't like there were fireworks or a party or anything. Just one day, 'wonder why that used to get me all pissed off and worked up for no reason?'

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[–]ylca 18 points19 points ago

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uncomfortable with something sexual and he is the biggest monster to ever exist automatically...

Yeah, he's a jerk because he thinks his girlfriend is lesser because she had sex before he did. He also makes her feel like crap about it.What about this wouldn't lead to readers empathizing?

This isn't "oh cause she's a girl" the dude is legitimately being a child. He's all onboard for the good sexings but when its time to think about how she learned those techniques, oh then it's a problem.

It's BS and if he has a problem with it he should move on and make sure the next girl he meets is a virgin.

Looking down on someone else's sexual history that you are continuing to have a sexual relationship with is hypocritical and idiotic as all hell.

i think someone has had to many bad relationships.

Yeah, everyone is wrong but you buddy.

[–]bcguitar33 13 points14 points ago

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Actually, it never says anything about thinking that she's in any way lesser. It sounds pretty clear from the description that he himself feels lesser.

Uniblank's first paragraph seems accurate. I'm jumping off that train for the second one, though...

[–]Smhill 11 points12 points ago

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It also says he kind of freaks out when she says Hello to male acquaintances. That's the truly immature part.

[–]bcguitar33 8 points9 points ago

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Immature and dysfunctional, no doubt. I'm not saying that this isn't his problem, it most definitely is. I'm just disagreeing with it being a malicious problem born of a messed up sense of gender equality. This is clearly his insecurity and feelings of inadequacy.

[–]ylca 4 points5 points ago

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Having feelings of inadequacy = understandable

Taking those feelings and projecting them onto one's partner = jerkish behavior.

Hope that helps make my point more clear. One can easily both have understandable personal problems and handle those problems in a negative way that hurts others. One don't get a free pass to treat others poorly because of one's personal issues- everyone has issues.

[–]bcguitar33 6 points7 points ago

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No doubt, he clearly needs to get his shit together in any case, and has no right to treat her poorly. That said, I think it's important to properly identify the underlying cause.

There are some in this thread who think that he's slut-shaming and/or considering her a lesser person, and that this is the root of his bad behavior. It seems more to me that his own feelings of inadequacy and insecurity vs. her previous partner is what's driving his bad behavior. The distinction may seem trivial but I find the latter motivation less hostile and more sympathetic.

[–]moscova89 4 points5 points ago

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So... a man is not allowed to have an opinion? nor is he allowed to communicate his feelings?

[–]Jackson3125 4 points5 points ago

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I agree with this sentiment somewhat. He should be able to communicate to her if he is frustrated with something. I'm sure he could bottle it up for a while, but it's only going to come out again later. The proper way to go through this is everyone be honest and open, then talk and work your way through it.

[–]Eilif 1 point2 points ago

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I don't think that's the issue here, really. Everyone is entitled to their feelings. The issue is the back and forth. If he can't be okay with it, then why stay in the relationship and make everyone miserable? If he wants to stay in the relationship, then he needs to try getting over it, which it seems like he's trying to do.

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[–]klarth 3 points4 points ago

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Your implication that intolerance is something to be tolerated disturbs me.

[–]zellthemedic 0 points1 point ago*

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A whole pineapple, eh?

[–]absurdamerica 0 points1 point ago

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Yeah, listen to this guy!

[–]PetiePal 2 points3 points ago

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Sit down with him and tell him everything you just told us. Communication Communication Communication.

My ex had slept with 14 people. She kept pushing to know my number which was only 2. I didn't want to really tell her and she wouldn't drop it. Then when I told her NOT to tell me bc I knew it was likely more than me, (and I knew would make me feel uncomfortable and would have rather let it stay untouched) she blurted hers out. Took me 5 months to get over it. Not that she ever saw any of them anymore but the # still bothered me. I mean at the end of the day I was 14, and WOULD have been the LAST had things worked out.

Things did end but it wasn't because of that, more bc she was CRAZY. Lol. I did get over it but for some men and women it's just better not to discuss it. Don't make a big deal out of it etc. Sounds like he did.

Jealousy in and of itself is not a bad thing, it's normal and healthy. How you DEAL with it, particularly negatively is what to be concerned with. If he starts stopping you from seeing guys who are just friends etc....I would get out of that situation.

Tell him what you told us, calmly.

[–]barnesa90 2 points3 points ago

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Your boyfriend needs to get over it. This possessive behavior is a huge red flag and indicator of possible future abuse.

I have an extensive sexual past while my current beau doesn't. He accepted me for who I am because he knows that I love him and would never hook up with any of the other people in my past again.

I think he's insecure and immature. Trying to leave you three times is proof of that.

Edit: 14 guys in 6 years isn't that bad.

[–]thatsastupidcomment 2 points3 points ago

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if he can't get over it you have to leave him

[–]azurikai 9 points10 points ago

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My girlfriend was wild as hell all through college, & I've gotten over that. Obviously those people weren't that important to her if she didn't want them around, and I'm important enough to keep around so I'm happy with that :) We've been together 4 years now & things are absolutely great!

Your boyfriend needs to realize this, or get over it.

[–]ChicagoRunner 9 points10 points ago

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the get over it answer annoys me. It is more complicated than that. No problem is so simple as to say "get over it"

[–]Treberto 0 points1 point ago

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The "get over it" answer has worked wonders for me. In fact, usually when I have a problem and I'm the sole cause of it (as is the case here, she can't change her past so the only one causing a problem is him) a good "get over it" goes a long way to making it better.

[–]Eilif 1 point2 points ago

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Yep. "Does this matter in the long run? Nope. Get over it." I have this conversation with myself at least once a week.

[–]azurikai 0 points1 point ago

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then they shouldn't be together because he can't be happy with her the way she is. she deserves better than to be berated about her past, we all have a past. yes it is that simple.

read all your other replies, why the hell does he have to be babied when he is the one being a baby? doesn't make sense. she has done nothing wrong. i'm telling you from experience, its either you move past it or your relationship is forever in shambles and will end eventually.

[–]TheThirdBlackGuy 6 points7 points ago

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Whoa, weird timing as I just had this discussion in 2X (from the perspective of your boyfriend). A few observations that I doubt you'll hear from most of the people hear, downvotes be damned.

Primarily, I understand your boyfriend's perspective and don't find it that odd or unbelievable. Something to consider is the fact that just as you are resolute in how you handle the situation given your personality and experience, so to is his. He feels this way and if you want to say your opinions are valid, at the very least you should give his the benefit of the doubt. It might seem completely foreign and incomprehensible, but there is no right or wrong on opinions in life.

Secondly, I highly doubt you'll change his perception altogether. A partner with 14 sexual partners won't become something he'll ideally want in life. However, what I would suggest is show and explaining how all the positives of your relationship out-value that drawback. For instance, a partner with fewer sexual partners that doesn't care as much as you do, share as many interests, and generally has as great as chemistry would be a worse relationship.

What I think you should understand is that he most likely views it as an ideal preference, not a dealbreaker. But please don't approach it as something to brush off just because you don't have the same hang-up. A similar situation being dietary concerns in a relationship. A vegan and an omnivore for instance approach their diet differently, but that doesn't mean the omnivore should deride or sweep away the vegans opinion on the matter.

Lastly, be capable of walking away. It appears he loves, say 99% of you. If this is the only hang up and he wants to hinge his relationship on it make him aware to this fact. Considering he's still around I'd say he's working this out internally, but I'd lay it out there for him. You'll continue being the woman he fell in love with. Even if his opinion of you has lowered, it really only came down to a realistic level.

That's all I've got. If you felt so inclined to read more about what I think his mindset is you can read through that other thread. Serious Question: Is disapproval of 'slutty' behavior unacceptable?

[–]Apogee15 19 points20 points ago*

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I'm going to get downvoted for this... But: 14 seems like a lot to me at age 22. It would bother me as well. I don't think it'd be enough to break up with someone over if I really cared for them, but it would definitely make me question your maturity and your ability to sustain a long term relationship. It could push me over the line if I was already questioning our relationship. It would also tell me that you don't think sex is that important, whereas I put more emphasis on it.

I don't think this makes you a bad person, but it may make you incompatible with me. This may be the same for your boyfriend. Or he may just get over it.

People have different opinions on the importance of sex. No one opinion is more "correct" than another. Some people think sex should involve more of an emotional attachment, and not just the spur of the moment one-night stands. Others think sex should be something just for fun, and that there is nothing wrong with one-night stands.

[–]Jackson3125 12 points13 points ago

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I'm not going to agree with you that it shows immaturity, but I will agree that 14 at 22 might scare off a few guys. I'm not sure why Chicagorunner has been downvoted so much for trying to encourage her to reinforce to her boyfriend that he is her favorite lover. Girls don't seem to understand that sexual performance is very important and personal for men. Telling us we're good at it is the equivalent of men always telling you that you look pretty. You know what, maybe you (the girl) don't look pretty some days....but I'm still going to tell you that you do. We don't need to be told we're not pretty, we need to be told how much you love having sex with us.

[–]ChicagoRunner 2 points3 points ago

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thank you

[–]kimhmm 4 points5 points ago

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As a chick with 14 sexual partners (mixture of guys and girls; a lot of threesomes and such) at age 19, I think that's just fine. But OP and her man sound like they've been together a while, and if he has issues like this he should've put them on the table at the beginning.

If he slept with her before he knew enough about her past to gauge her feelings on sex, she probably wasn't as 'special' to him as he claimed. In that case, he's reaping the rewards of dating a sexually free and experienced girl, without wanting to deal with the fact that she's sexually free and experienced. While generally I respect the views of people who are more sexually conservative than myself, I think he's being a massive hypocrite here.

[–]iJeff 1 point2 points ago

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I think that's just fine. But OP and her man sound like they've been together a while, and if he has issues like this he should've put them on the table at the beginning.

OP mentioned that the topic hadn't come up until recently. Otherwise I totally agree. It's something that probably should have come up earlier.

[–]kimhmm 0 points1 point ago

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I don't really see how they could have been together so long and him not have noticed the signs.. just little things she said, etc. I'd suggest he was wilfully blind until it got to be too much and he had to know for sure.

[–]Eilif 2 points3 points ago

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In that case, he's reaping the rewards of dating a sexually free and experienced girl, without wanting to deal with the fact that she's sexually free and experienced.

QFT. She basically confirms this in another comment, where he was apparently asking for sex in the beginning 2 weeks of the relationship, but she was holding out because she actually wanted a relationship, not just a hook up.

[–]ChicagoRunner 2 points3 points ago

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This too.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points ago

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He feels that he just another fling. If you love him very much, just accept he feels this way, and you really can't do much else. It's just that he's scared that you will get tired of him, and he will be another number.

[–]kimhmm 1 point2 points ago

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If he's worried about being another number, he should've kept it in his pants a little longer.

[–]Sommiel 6 points7 points ago

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Your boyfriend is insecure.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points ago

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regarding the possessive/controlling aspect, it might be that he's created this arbitrary line that he's decided is more than he can handle, and that line is 14. If you'd slept with 7 people, would be feel the same way? Anyway, he could easily draw arbitrary lines with other things regarding your behavior. He's already tried to make you feel bad about who you are and your experiences, which aside from everythign else, just isn't a constructive way to deal with anything. He's made you nervous about running into people you know, so as you get older, and say, have a job, maybe you have a project with a male coworker, and he'll start getting weird about that. He'll limit your behavior to things that he finds acceptable, and slowly, who you are will just dissolve into this shell that constantly tries to walk on eggshells around him so as not to offend him.

That could be an extreme example, but I think he does show potential for that type of thing now.

[–]TheTesh 1 point2 points ago

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He definitely has some hang ups but having had 6 partners, 2 of them casual doesn't really give him a leg to stand on with you. Ask him if things don't work out would he continue to rack up sexual partners? How long before he hits 14? Would a girl with 2 sexual partners have a right to be upset with him if he were dating her?

[–]Geek-lover 1 point2 points ago

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Yeah the way he is acting is going to make him another number. I dont think he's not going to move past this and you deserve better.

[–]fullofheart2020[S] 1 point2 points ago

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He says he does and then it comes up again, worse each time.

This past time when he "got over it" he said he was going to marry me.

[–]big_gordo 1 point2 points ago

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I'm not sure you'll see this, and I haven't read all 273 comments so maybe it's been said already.

You know what it really is? All of this just came to his knowledge. In some strange way it's like those activities just happened because they just became known to him. It probably feels like cheating a little to him. If he'd known all of this before you two started dating I don't think it'd be an issue at all.

All of that said, it shouldn't be an issue now. If you two have something wonderful this phase isn't going to last. Just keep making him realize that you love him.

[–]fullofheart2020[S] 0 points1 point ago

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This is the vibe that he has been giving me...

He talks to me like I've almost betrayed him. Because he didn't know it about me before.

We really do have something wonderful, and I am going to do what I can to make this last.

[–]truesound 1 point2 points ago

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I've explained this a number of times. And I wouldn't consider it the singular cause, but it is an oft ignored or unrecognized cause. Your bf isn't jealous of the other dudes. He's jealous of you. Meaning... he wishes he could have had the opportunity to have 14 or more partners. It is really fucking hard, especially relatively, for men to attract sexual partners. It takes a lot of fucking work. Women don't approach us in bars, buy us drinks and hope to get lucky that night if they prove themselves to be interesting enough. They sit and wait for us to do it. And plenty of guys do. I'm significantly older and have recognized this and these days the only time that I have a problem with a woman's sexual history is when she has a problem with her sexual history. If you were able to recognize this concept and discuss it with him, you may make some progress.

A secondary problem may be, and I have experienced that, that he's afraid you've sexed yourself out, given everything a try and may not be as interested in the exploration that he might be into. These two causes are related. I can't tell you how many times a woman has said "I used to like to have group crystal meth dungeon orgies where me and my girlfriends would stuff an entire store inventory in one another while getting hammered in all holes or diddling ourselves and watching. But I don't want to do that with you. You're a nice guy." It's fucking depressing. I'd have like... ten dollars if I had a dollar for every one.

[–]shabutaru118 1 point2 points ago

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The past never just goes away. And saying "thats that" about it does nothing to help him be more confident. I had to deal with the same issues your bf did. You need to show him that you've changed, otherwise, according to him at least, you could just consider him just another number.

[–]iJeff 1 point2 points ago

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A lot of people on reddit are a lot more sexually liberal than your average person. I'd personally feel a bit uncomfortable about both 14 and 6 at your age but would also acknowledge that it's an entirely irrational feeling. I can't speak for your bf but I personally think gender doesn't come into play here; I consider the numbers daunting for both men and women.

Nonetheless, fuck everyone on this thread saying that your bf is inherently sexist, the same people who happen to also be downvoting a lot of legitimate advice. Talk to him but don't read too much into it. Emphasize the importance of what you have that negates all past experiences. That and the fact that your entire past led him there to you.

Best of luck.

[–]DogPencil 1 point2 points ago

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Sounds like he knows his feelings aren't healthy or positive. Perhaps he can go to a counselor and talk about it. If he really wants to get past this, it may require a little outside help.

[–]Tails616 1 point2 points ago

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Guys are always looking for a solution to fix the problem. If you try doing something with him you've never done before, you might make it seem like he's special(good thing). One thing on the edit: I can see how they think that, and I feel like that's possible, while it could also be that he has had problems with this in a past relationship and is still upset a little about it. Ask him if this is the case. It could just be his own insecurities.

Feel free to PM me with the answer and I'll tell you my take :D

[–]eipiplusone 1 point2 points ago

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I suspect that he worries that the old easy to fuck you will pop out one day in the future and tear out his heart. That's not necessarily being insecure.

The person you were when you fucked all those guys, including and especially the one night stands is still you. He hears that you have decided at the moment not to do that any longer, but he knows deep down in his gut that you could just as easily decide you were wrong to give it up and that you've decided you need to fuck around again.

It's not the number that bothers him, it's the ease at which you decided to fuck that is likely the core problem. He worries you'll find yourself in a similar situation one day, maybe after a fight or on a business trip. That you'll rationalize it, and have a little fun.

[–]dfuse 4 points5 points ago

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There's a lot of White Knights in here but here's some real talk: men and women are different. Generally (read: in almost all cases), women are the ones who choose when sex will happen. After finding out a gf was previously intimate with a larger number of men then he's comfortable with, men generally feel angry/insecure/devastated/etc and they feel like they bought the cow when everyone else was getting the milk for free. This has been the case since the beginning of written human history and in all cultures. If you want to deny that's how human beings work in this era, that's your call but the weight of history is against you. People can concoct all the metaphysical, sociological, or intellectual explanations for why this is unfair and unjust, but that's how most human beings work.

[–]tRUncheonLuncheon 2 points3 points ago

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If it's unusually easy for a woman to become intimate with a stranger, then I can see why a guy would feel less special about being intimate with her. And I can see why he would fear that she would be more tempted to be with other guys and cheat than other women might be. And the guy might not see having earned the woman's intimacy as much of a prize or an achievement they can be proud of, since lots of people have the ability to win that prize. So it obviously implicates insecurities. But most people are insecure about something, so I can't hate people who have those kinds of feelings. It's what they do with them. Also important is what their partner does to soothe those insecurities. Intolerance also isn't fair.

[–]elmartirbientostado 3 points4 points ago

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I've seen it said before (as this question keeps popping up), but if he loves you, he needs to accept that part of what makes you the person he loves, is your past experiences. He doesn't have to love that you've had other partners, but he needs to accept it and move on.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]ChicagoRunner 1 point2 points ago

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but he probably can't or else he would have.

[–]therealandrew 2 points3 points ago

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My wife slept with lots of guys before we met and it does not bother me at all because it is none of my business. our sexual histories came up in conversation a couple of times and that's about it. I love my wife and my wife loves me and we both trust each other.

jealousy can ruin a relationship. You have to show him your perspective. like ask him if the situations were reversed how would he feel? and also assure him that he is your only partner and that you love him/need him.

[–]spark3d 1 point2 points ago

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It reflects incredible low self esteem and lack of trust on your boyfriends part. Different people have different number of partner's in their past.

He either needs to accept it and stop acting so weird, or get out.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

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He is struggling with societal notions of what's appropriate. One would hope that he knows you and would be able to get past this, but I think there isn't much you can do to help him do it. He needs to be able to see that he's the one with the problem, not you. Now, one thing, which I don't know if it would help, but if he feels like he's "just another number," wouldn't it stand to reason that then, if you've had sex with anyone over one person, everyone else is "just another number?" In which case, you could make the same argument to him, he would say that's ridiculous and you would say, "exactly." I somehow doubt that would work, but if, for some reason, you guys end up breaking up over this, he will regret it so much. He's 24, and he's only getting older, and unless he wants to date an 18 year old virgin, he's going to have to deal with his partner having had previous partners.

[–]fullofheart2020[S] 9 points10 points ago

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Thank you for affirming the fact that he if he can't handle that what will happen is a different girl will lie to him about her number, or he will have to date a virgin.

[–]anotheracount 1 point2 points ago

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Maybe its not how many you slept with but how many relationship you've had, some people are just not the settling down type. That would explain the number thing like if he's just #15. He needs to get over that and work at being happy, there is no guarantee in any relationship.

[–]Hartastic 1 point2 points ago

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He feels insecure. Your greater experience is making him feel small. That's all perfectly natural and understandable.

But: he also needs to get over it, and soon. A relationship can only take so much of this. You would be a good partner to tolerate a certain amount/duration of irrationality on his part, and you would be a bad one (and bad to yourself, what's more) to tolerate an unlimited amount of it.

Maybe you say something like: "I get why this makes you feel insecure, and I'm going to try to be understanding and tolerant of your freakouts over it for another month while you get used to it, but after that it's on you to grow the fuck up." Except more diplomatically.

And, sadly/honestly, he may just not be able to get over it in this relationship, and it might take the pain of losing you and later realizing the fuckup he made to get it right for his next more experienced girlfriend.

[–]ignatia_amara 2 points3 points ago

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As someone who has repeatedly run into this problem, here's what you do:

Tell him that the people you've been with in the past are exactly that: IN THE PAST. They have no bearing on your current situation with him, and having slept with people before him doesn't change your feelings towards him. Remind him what those feelings are, should he need a refresher.

But you also need to make it very clear that you will no longer tolerate this behavior. I don't know why he seems to believe it's ok to shame you for your experience, but it's not. It's controlling and possessive and NOT OK. If he had been the one with the higher number and you were the one with an issue, whose position would he be more understanding of? Probably his, because he wouldn't believe that sleeping with whatever number of people makes him a bad person or impairs his ability to be a responsible adult in a monogamous relationship. He needs to understand that your previous sexual experience is not going to cause you to run wildly through the streets sleeping with whatever moves. You love him and want to be with him. If he can't understand that, then your relationship is not going to work, you know?

[–]jacksparrow1 0 points1 point ago

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14 isn't even that many!

[–]fullofheart2020[S] 1 point2 points ago

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THANK YOU! I didn't try to pull that card though haha

[–]ChicagoRunner 4 points5 points ago

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at 22 it is

[–]ylca 2 points3 points ago

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This post explains a lot of your others in this thread.

[–]ChicagoRunner 0 points1 point ago

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explain

[–]hermione9 0 points1 point ago

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not really....

alot of people go through a phase, then find someone and settle.

[–]ChicagoRunner 1 point2 points ago

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I never said it was wrong. I am still in this phase. 14 is a lot for a young woman.

[–]baiser 1 point2 points ago

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14 is a lot for a young woman.

I don't see why her gender is relevant to your logic.

[–]ChicagoRunner 2 points3 points ago

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14 is a lot for a young person.

OP is a woman, that is why. I hope this clears things up.

[–]hermione9 1 point2 points ago

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I still don't think it's a lot.

I think it's more the way you go about it. if you're out cheating and using people, I'm not okay with that. but if you and another person both agree to have fun, that's fine. as long as you are safe, honest and respectful, the number does not matter to me.

[–]meanttolive 0 points1 point ago

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there are almost 7 billion people living on this earth. i won't even waste my time calculating what a tiny fraction 14 people out of 7 billion is. yes i know they're not all of sexual age (however the hell you want to define that) but my point is clear.

[–]Prodigal_Daughter 1 point2 points ago

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Suddenly it came to light when I asked why our sex life had slowed down significantly.

Pay close attention to what's happening here. Your boyfriend is slut shaming you for your past to avoid the real issue at hand: Problems in your current sex life. Rather than being introspective about himself, or generating ideas on how to improve you sex life, he is making the past the issue, rather than your present circumstances.

Do not, under any conditions, apologize for your sexual history. He cannot shame you for your past if you have nothing to be ashamed of. Ask him what makes you a different person now than who you were before he knew your your number. Ask him what led to the decline in your sex life before this topic came up.

Most importantly, ask him where he wants to go from here. Obviously, you can't revirginize yourself. What does he hope to accomplish by making you feel bad about your past?

[–]warriorsmurf 2 points3 points ago

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He needs to get over it. An average of 2.33 sex partners per year is not that much, and you've already demonstrated your commitment by being with him for a year. Consider this a warning sign of possessive, controlling behavior.

[–]MyOtherPersonality 6 points7 points ago

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To be fair, she said in the comments it was 7 guys in 11 months between her BF and the previous LTR.

Wouldn't be a showstopper for me, but it is a notch above average I'd say.

[–]warriorsmurf 7 points8 points ago

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It's still not even a guy a month.

[–]Flapjackdj -1 points0 points ago*

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Woah, woah, woah, okay, we have a problem. Your boyfriend's discomfort and jealousy about your past is a gigantic, neon, flashing sign of other problems that he has. It might not seem that way to you, right now, but believe me, other shit will rear its ugly head in the future (if it hasn't already, and you just haven't noticed, yet). He is clearly very insecure about himself AND your relationship, if he feels like he's just another number.

And his response when you say hello to a guy on the street is FUCKED. I would not tolerate that, if I was in your shoes. That is unacceptable to me.

Yes, he feels threatened. And he feels threatened for reasons that actually don't directly involve you or your past. He feels threatened because he is insecure about himself. That's the main problem.

My last boyfriend had similar image problems, but the issues were related to educational level, income and other non-sexual topics. After four years, I left him because he was not only not making any effort to change and grow, after I had been incredibly supportive, but he was actually regressing and becoming more and more childish. It got to the point where I stopped liking him as a person and just the thought of touching him made me feel ill. My mistake was I didn't move on sooner, he was my first boyfriend, blah blah blah and I had a hard time letting go. But it should have ended after two years, really. That was when I got that sinking feeling that he was never going to improve. And he didn't. He still hasn't. And he's lost other relationships since ours because of it.

Don't do what I did. It already sounds like he's starting to throw accusations at you with the "my boyfriend just assumes I have hooked up with them..." situation. It will get worse. He is already confusing your past with the present and questioninHe needs to grow up and right now, he has no reason to. He needs to find a worthwhile reason to change or he will not solve the problem. It's up to you how long you want to keep trying, but I'm telling you... don't be surprised if he never figures it out during the course of your relationship. Unless he has a dramatic and life altering event that changes his POV on many things, causing him to learn and grow, become less insecure, etc., you will not be happy with him and he will get worse.

I'm sorry. You're with a little boy right now. If you want to marry someone, spend the rest of your life with them and work with them on issues that will be way more traumatic than this, then you need to look for a man. Best of luck to you.

[–]titos334 0 points1 point ago

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I've dated someone with a number larger than you, not by a lot, I was number #16 or something like that. I got to admit it bothered me a little bit. It bothered me and maybe him because the numbers are so different. The fact that you have had more than him and are talking about marriage might may him feel trapped, like he might want to experience more.

For the possesive/controlling qualities that may or may not exist the number of parters you have had could be seen as a sign of caution for the opposing side.

[–]bayleo 0 points1 point ago

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Without knowing him better we can't really tell if his jealousy is born from some rather insidious controlling nature or simple immaturity. I would tend to use Hanlon's Razor here and go w/ the latter. I think most guys are very jealous/immature in their first few relationships but eventually slough off those societally ingrained ideas of virtuous monogamy & virginity. I would think, however, that four relationships would be enough to force to him to grow up; is he maybe exaggerating the scope/number of his past relationships?

[–]hermione9 0 points1 point ago

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It's the exact same way in my relationship. he has had less partners than me, but only because I've been sexually active longer. I've had a long term relationship before him, as well as casual hook ups. he's only had casual things, but says my number is too high and he's probably just another one. it makes me sad =/

if I say I want to marry him, I mean it. that means he isn't another number, and I don't just want him for sex. my past is over.

and, most of the guys I talk to, or are my friends, I have not slept with. my friends are my friends....

so yeah, I don't really know what to do. hopefully you can resolve your issues. it seems like such a shame to just leave.

[–]TruthKnowI 0 points1 point ago

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I don't get this. I would love to have a girl with a fun sexual past.

[–]Geek-lover 0 points1 point ago

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Yeah the way he is acting is going to make him another number. I dont think he's not going to move past this and you deserve better.

[–]elhefe19d 0 points1 point ago

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I was kinda the first way when I got with my last gf (Not the current one) I was her #18th so I was a bit distraught,

But then I realized that I dont think that people should be judged by having a fun time, who cares how many times you've been penetrated or not by how many different people. If you two are attracted to eachother, then its gonna work out. BUT you just need to show him that he's not another number and he means everything to you

[–]ThereAreDozensOfUs 0 points1 point ago

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As a possessive person who used to pull this stuff, he's self conscious, and i seems, probably has low self-esteem. He puts you on a pedestal, and thinks in the relationship, he is the reacher, while you are the settler. All of this being understood, do you re-enforce the notion that you are with him, and very happy with him? You might have to artificially boost his self-esteem. A key situation is if you do run into one of the guys you in the past had relations with, and as you introduce one to the other, you hold your boyfriend's hand or introduce him as your boyfriend, then a kiss on his cheek or whatever. It shows him that you are with him now, and not with the other person.

I guess just be reassuring, but even after busting your ass and trying to boost his self esteem as much as possible he doesn't improve and become more confident, well then that's a mood killer

[–]fullofheart2020[S] 0 points1 point ago

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The thing is, I don't have to tell him because of this issue. I do anyway! Our relationship fills me with joy! We both express constantly how great it all is etc

[–]ThereAreDozensOfUs 0 points1 point ago

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then yeah, I got nothing homeslice. if hes constantly reassured and still doesnt feel it, it will cost him you in the end

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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You've done nothing wrong. Good grief, plenty of girls and guys go through 14 in a semester. He needs to lighten up or lose you. Cut away everything else and it's just about that simple.

Of course, you should kind, considerate, and all that good stuff - but you have to be honest - and you have been. He better wake up to how lucky he is.

Your confidence may worsen his insecurities. You'll want to be helpful with that, but he's got to do the work on getting his head straight.

[–]Flash_Daaaa 0 points1 point ago

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Have him watch sex and death 101: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0497972/

In the movie the main character knows he is supposed to have sex with 101 girls, and he knows their names. He discovers the last name on the list is a woman who has sex with her victim and then kills him. So his natural assumption is he is going to be one of her victims... and he tries hard to avoid it.

However when he meets her, if I remember right, they actually fall in love and get married. Point being, its just a number, it has to stop somewhere, and for you, that number is 14(if things work out).

Also, he does sound possibly controlling if he has these jealousy issues that easily. He can probably work on it, but he needs to know about it.

[–]RandianHero 0 points1 point ago

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He needs to man up and stop acting like such a baby. Only a totally insecure loser would be bothered by someone's sexual history.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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He may be #14 sexually, but can't you explain to him that this means nothing when it comes to actual, genuine, lasting, relationships? I imagine that if you try to count relationships that are like the one with your boyfriend, your number will be a lot lower. Not that numbers should matter, but that might help put it into perspective for him.

[–]andrewdown 0 points1 point ago

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Is it possible he feels like you would have considered sharing the rest of your life with some of those other guys, but they decided they didn't want that? That might be why he doesn't feel special; he has it stuck in his head that he is settling for something those other guys passed over.

Having said all that, it's great that you don't feel a need to explain yourself, and this guy is acting pretty immaturely.

[–]whatthehellisedgy 0 points1 point ago

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I experienced a very similar situation with an ex of mine, though it sounds much more abusive than yours.

I've slept with a lot guys, both in relationships and one night stands, while my ex had only had a couple partners - I was the first person he ever really enjoyed sex with. He was extremely uncomfortable about this, and would consequently tell me I was a whore or a slut on a regularly basis. At first, I apologised, but then I realised - I can't build a time machine, go back and unsleep with those guys. What's done is done!

The sum of who I am includes what I have done, and have no regrets about sleeping with the people I did.

The important thing for me was to recognise that sex is sex, but it's the emotion attached that's important - you may have slept with other guys, but you've never felt the emotion that you have for your BF before.

I hope this helps!

[–]dangerboots 0 points1 point ago

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My boyfriend told me I was his 15th lover before we got together. It was a little alarming at first (I had only slept with two other guys before him), but I really liked him so I tried not to think about it too much.

He reassured me that I was much more compatible with him in bed than any other woman he'd slept with before me, and that made it a lot easier. Now it doesn't really bother me. As long as you make it clear to your boyfriend that he's not just another number and he's special for you, he should have no reason to fear. Those guys were past and your boyfriend is present. He'll need to accept that before he can start feeling better.

[–]Boss_Monkey 0 points1 point ago

My condolences. May the one without sin cast the first stone.

[–]koalainfestation -1 points0 points ago

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This guy is just wrong and it may very well take more than you telling him something to convince him that his viewpoint on this is hypocritical and asinine.

[–]tophat_jones 0 points1 point ago

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He has self esteem issues, as well as a touch of misogyny by the sound of it. This is the 21st fucking century and consenting adults are allowed to have sex. That's that.

His insecurity is going to torpedo your relationship, if it hasn't already.

[–]moscova89 0 points1 point ago

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He's self conscious. understandably so. Here are a few questions that just might be floating around his mind. * 1.) Am I the best she's had? * 2.) Am I the biggest she's had? * 3.) Is she thinking about other men while we're having sex? * 4.) Will she leave me for one of her old flames?

and here's the kicker: he might be asking these questions to himself during sex

[–]fullofheart2020[S] 2 points3 points ago

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Well, since the last real blowup (early september), we have been having sex a lot, and it's been great (as it always has been).

But he did say that was the reason we stopped having sex so much in the first place, that he was thinking about how many guys I had sex with before him while we were about to or already having sex.

I wish I could understand. Or help..

[–]moscova89 6 points7 points ago

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Well let me put this into perspective for you. Close your eyes. (AFTER YOU READ THIS REPLY!) Now picture in your mind that one female celebrity/model that you KNOW is hotter than you. Next, imagine she knows all the little tricks in bed you've learned over the years, AND THEN SOME! Now imagine 3 more women who are still hotter than you, yet less hot then the woman you first pictured. Do you see them? good.

The three women you pictured.

*The first one works in the cafe/restaurant where your bf frequently goes to *The second one works with him *The third one is an old friend

And the woman you first pictured in your mind is his next door neighbor. That's how self conscious he is

tl;dr: He feels expendable

[–]meanttolive 1 point2 points ago

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i don't get it either. ever since i told my boyfriend about my number, he has a harder time eating me out. no problem with me giving him head, though...

[–]moscova89 2 points3 points ago

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the number you told him is the number of penises he sees in his mind when eating you out

[–]meanttolive 0 points1 point ago

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i don't think about the number of pussies, lips or hands that have touched his dick when i am giving him head. i am thinking of how to best please him.

[–]moscova89 0 points1 point ago

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That is what you do. But you need to remember that he's in the relationship as well and that he will do/think things that are not your actions/thougts .

[–]the_sLiDe 0 points1 point ago

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I don't understand why girls don't get it. Make your man feel special.

[–]meanttolive 0 points1 point ago

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i do my best to make him feel special on a daily basis, without the use of sex. he is more than just great sex - he is an incredible person and that's why i do so much to remind him how much i care.

[–]the_sLiDe 0 points1 point ago

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Then there should be no problem.. and if there is then he needs to get over it :). Maybe he needs a bit of a push though ;)

[–]Neemii 0 points1 point ago

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It is understandable, but not to the point that you want to break up with someone. The older you get, the more likely they are to have had past partners. And guess what? Some of them might have been better sexually. What people need to focus on is that despite this, your partner is choosing to be with /you/ over all of their past partners.

[–]moscova89 0 points1 point ago

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Which is easy to do outside of the bedroom.(or whichever place people do their hanky panky). But when it comes down to it this sort of thing makes dudes feel self conscious. Which in turn leads to less sex(not a break up, who mentioned anything about a break up?). Let me put it to you like this: have you ever felt ugly or fat? how much sex did you feel like having when you felt like this?

[–]Neemii 0 points1 point ago

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I am not saying how he's feeling is wrong, and I understand these things are difficult to cope with. But these are issues he needs to deal with if he wants to be able to have a healthy relationship with someone who has had previous partners. And, if it turns out that he can't, then this is not the right relationship for him to be in.

[–]moscova89 0 points1 point ago

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And he's supposed to do this on his own? that his girlfriend is not supposed to put forth any effort in order to reassure him?

[–]fullofheart2020[S] 2 points3 points ago

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Moscova I have asked him so many times what i can do, say, show more than I already do to drive the point home that he is my man and I am his woman and there is nothing else in my mind but that.

I am certainly trying, just so you know.

Its hard when he says things like "I dont know if theres anything you CAN do."

[–]Neemii 0 points1 point ago

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I am saying they should work on these issues together, I have never said that this is solely his responsibility. However, if in the end nothing changes and he cannot deal with being with someone who has had multiple past partners, then yes, she should leave him to deal on his own. She does not deserve to be in a relationship where she is continually shamed for having had sex.