boyfriend is jealous and sad about my sexual past

stoopkid13 · 7 months

Your boyfriend most likely feels just as he said: "another number," "not special," and "replaceable." He doesn't want to be #14 because, for him, #14 doesn't really mean anything because there are 13 others. Guys, generally, say exactly what they mean and mean exactly what they say.

So how do you help? You do not need to justify your past, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't talk about it. Your BF sees himself as a number in a long sequence (his opinion, not mine). But the only requisite for a Number is sex; your relationship is built on much more than that. What makes what you two have special and different? And not in the novelty sense, but why does he stand apart? That is what he wants--to stand apart. You have to help him realize that focusing on sex is not going to set him apart, which is fine because your relationship cannot (or should not) be reduced to sex anyway.

This reminds me of the scene in Four Weddings and a Funeral, where Hugh Grant and Andie MacDowell discuss their own sexual histories. Andie has like 30. Hugh has like 3. Obviously, your bf and Hugh Grant's character are different people and will react differently, but the idea is the same. A number's just a number and you should be focusing on something more.

Hiddencamper · 7 months

He's slept with 6 people. And he's being judgy? Really? If he slept with 0 or 1 I could see maybe feeling a little inexperienced. But 6? He should stfu. Besides it's your past, not your present or future. And you probably wouldn't be the person he grew to like/love if you didn't have all those experiences.

tuba_man · 7 months

Preface, because I saw it mentioned elsewhere in this thread: Men do say exactly what's on their mind, but there's more to it than that. We'll say exactly what's on the surface, but rarely is that the whole story. I'm not always good at explaining myself so here's an excellent illustration of what I'm trying to say. We like to get "straight to the point" but we don't always say what leads up to the point. Sometimes we don't always know either. In other words, he's bothered by your sexual history, but he's not saying why.

It sounds like you have a reasonable view on sexual history. It sounds like he doesn't. I don't necessarily think he's controlling - it's too easy in our society to get this weird 'ownership' mentality over our significant others' sex lives, past and present. (It happens to a lot of people, but seems to be guys especially) The fact that he's recently started asking about your past may be a red flag, or it may be just him starting to second-guess himself or something else more benign.

I've been with women far more experienced than I was at the time. I loved learning from them. I learned not just what they wanted, but how to communicate my own desires as well. On the other hand, in my most serious relationship, I was her first. She was gorgeous and sharp as a tack, but had similar misgivings about my past that your boyfriend does about yours. I guess what I'm saying here is I've lived both sides of this issue.

So, I've got some words to pass on to your dude.

Dear OP's Boyfriend,

First, we'll address what you say is the problem:

Everything you have done in the past has brought you to where you are today, same for her. If it weren't for her past, good and bad, she would not be who she is today, and would probably not be with you today. Accept the past for what it is and live for tomorrow.
You're both reasonably experienced. This is a good thing. This means you probably both have a good handle on what you want in bed. Since it sounds like you two can at least talk to each other, that makes it that much easier to satisfy each other. Enjoy it!

Now, on to the real issue. It's not really about the number, is it? She's more experienced than you, and that's tough to think about sometimes. You're probably worrying about whether or not you can keep up, or how you measure up to her others, or something like that? Ask yourself these questions, see if this helps.

Has she been honest with her partners? In the past, regardless of the relationship situation, she hasn't cheated on anyone, and she's been safe. No problems there, right?
Has she been honest with you? She's still not cheating, she's telling you about her past which she has every right not to go into detail about. (Your only obligation to each other about the past is to mention anything that would affect today - you both have up-to-date STD tests, right?)
This relationship is about more than just sex, right? She's with you, she wants to stay with you, she likes hanging out with you, and she still wants sex from you. Whatever shortcomings you may or may not have, she's yours. You've got all the different parts of a good relationship, and she's not running away. You're not getting anything from her that would give you reason to be insecure.
Then why are you freaking out? Whatever's going on in your head dude, stop blaming her for it. Yeah, she's had a few more partners than you. So what? She's with you, she loves you, she wants to stay with you, and she likes fucking you.

TL;DR:

OP: Don't let this freak-out get you down. Sounds like you two have a good thing going. Just keep being open and honest with him, communication is the key to a successful relationship. You seem to be doing your part, keep it up. OP's BF: You've got something going on in your head that you're not talking to her about. I don't have enough information to figure out what your deal is, but whatever it is, it's not her fault. Her past brought her to you and she's all yours right now. Dude, something's bothering you. You've figured out what, but not why. (Or you're not saying why) Dig deeper and talk to her about it.

geckospots · 7 months

Honestly, I don't see much difference between 6 partners and 14. Exactly when in his mind does he draw the line between him and you, between "special" and "just another number"? It seems like sexist double standard slut-shaming bullshit to me. And he should be ashamed of the way he has treated you.

He needs to get a clue. The number of partners you've had doesn't make someone more or less "special" to you because there's a hell of a lot more to a relationship than sex. I'm sure you must find him special in other ways seeing as you are putting up with this so far.

And as others have said, definitely watch out for other red flags. Possessiveness like this can be a big red flag.

Neemii · 7 months

This is something you need to be able to sit down and discuss with him. If he can't deal with your past, the events that have made you into the person who he presumably loves, then he can't handle being with you. It's not fair for him to expect you to act ashamed of or to ignore parts of your life. This is something that he needs to understand.

It sounds a great deal like he has created an image of you based on your sexual history and now he assumes a possessive position over you for fear that someone from your past will show up and 'swoop' you off. He also clearly has the impression that sex means less when you've had it many times before. I would assume that most of his 6 partners did not have many other partners.

I would sit him down and ask him if because you're number 7, you mean less to him than his first partners. I would ask him what he thinks "sleeping around" is, and why it's a negative thing. If you were safe, and you have committed to sleeping only with him now, in the present time, why does the past matter?

But honestly, this sort of possessiveness is a big warning sign to me. If someone can't deal with even seeing people you know without getting upset, that is not a good sign. I don't think I would be able to deal with someone who looked at my past with this kind of disgust.

EncasedMeats · 7 months

First off, you are not responsible for your boyfriend's feelings. Second, like all of us, he has confused his feelings with what he is making those feelings mean. Third, get yourselves into relationship counseling and learn how to talk about this stuff without your feelings (and what those feelings mean to you) getting in the way.

StandardCakeToaster · 7 months

Is there really much difference between 6 and 14? By his logic, shouldn't you be jealous and insecure about these 6 women? Bring it up and see what he says.

MyOtherPersonality · 7 months

Perhaps he feels like one of your one-night stands who for whatever reason stuck around. From the way you put it here,

Many of these men (besides the ones I was actually in a relationship with) took me out on dates, and I thought we were genuinely interested in eachother, so I also chose to sleep with them.

..it sounds you were clinging on men in search of a relationship, and he was the one who gave in. While others got what they wanted from you an moved on.

He doesn't feel special, perhaps feeling that if #12, or 10, or 9 would have wanted a relationship with you, they would be with you now. A point for that is that he seems to not have a problem with your long-term relationships.

Sorry for sounding harsh, I mean no offense and do not attempt to shame you. Just trying to come up with what could be screwing his head right now.

eyeball_kid · 7 months

Your BF has internalized a whole bunch of gender oppressive, sex negative bullshit and it's turned him into a cringing self-centered insecure bag of slop that can't handle the fact that the whole world doesn't revolve around his penis. To help purge him of these shitty attitudes I recommend tying him down in a chair and forcing him to watch Chasing Amy followed by listening to every single episode of Dan Savage's Savage Love podcast. Maybe that will help.

PetiePal · 7 months

Sit down with him and tell him everything you just told us. Communication Communication Communication.

My ex had slept with 14 people. She kept pushing to know my number which was only 2. I didn't want to really tell her and she wouldn't drop it. Then when I told her NOT to tell me bc I knew it was likely more than me, (and I knew would make me feel uncomfortable and would have rather let it stay untouched) she blurted hers out. Took me 5 months to get over it. Not that she ever saw any of them anymore but the # still bothered me. I mean at the end of the day I was 14, and WOULD have been the LAST had things worked out.

Things did end but it wasn't because of that, more bc she was CRAZY. Lol. I did get over it but for some men and women it's just better not to discuss it. Don't make a big deal out of it etc. Sounds like he did.

Jealousy in and of itself is not a bad thing, it's normal and healthy. How you DEAL with it, particularly negatively is what to be concerned with. If he starts stopping you from seeing guys who are just friends etc....I would get out of that situation.

Tell him what you told us, calmly.

barnesa90 · 7 months

Your boyfriend needs to get over it. This possessive behavior is a huge red flag and indicator of possible future abuse.

I have an extensive sexual past while my current beau doesn't. He accepted me for who I am because he knows that I love him and would never hook up with any of the other people in my past again.

I think he's insecure and immature. Trying to leave you three times is proof of that.

Edit: 14 guys in 6 years isn't that bad.

thatsastupidcomment · 7 months

if he can't get over it you have to leave him

azurikai · 7 months

My girlfriend was wild as hell all through college, & I've gotten over that. Obviously those people weren't that important to her if she didn't want them around, and I'm important enough to keep around so I'm happy with that :) We've been together 4 years now & things are absolutely great!

Your boyfriend needs to realize this, or get over it.

TheThirdBlackGuy · 7 months

Whoa, weird timing as I just had this discussion in 2X (from the perspective of your boyfriend). A few observations that I doubt you'll hear from most of the people hear, downvotes be damned.

Primarily, I understand your boyfriend's perspective and don't find it that odd or unbelievable. Something to consider is the fact that just as you are resolute in how you handle the situation given your personality and experience, so to is his. He feels this way and if you want to say your opinions are valid, at the very least you should give his the benefit of the doubt. It might seem completely foreign and incomprehensible, but there is no right or wrong on opinions in life.

Secondly, I highly doubt you'll change his perception altogether. A partner with 14 sexual partners won't become something he'll ideally want in life. However, what I would suggest is show and explaining how all the positives of your relationship out-value that drawback. For instance, a partner with fewer sexual partners that doesn't care as much as you do, share as many interests, and generally has as great as chemistry would be a worse relationship.

What I think you should understand is that he most likely views it as an ideal preference, not a dealbreaker. But please don't approach it as something to brush off just because you don't have the same hang-up. A similar situation being dietary concerns in a relationship. A vegan and an omnivore for instance approach their diet differently, but that doesn't mean the omnivore should deride or sweep away the vegans opinion on the matter.

Lastly, be capable of walking away. It appears he loves, say 99% of you. If this is the only hang up and he wants to hinge his relationship on it make him aware to this fact. Considering he's still around I'd say he's working this out internally, but I'd lay it out there for him. You'll continue being the woman he fell in love with. Even if his opinion of you has lowered, it really only came down to a realistic level.

That's all I've got. If you felt so inclined to read more about what I think his mindset is you can read through that other thread. Serious Question: Is disapproval of 'slutty' behavior unacceptable?

Apogee15 · 7 months

I'm going to get downvoted for this... But: 14 seems like a lot to me at age 22. It would bother me as well. I don't think it'd be enough to break up with someone over if I really cared for them, but it would definitely make me question your maturity and your ability to sustain a long term relationship. It could push me over the line if I was already questioning our relationship. It would also tell me that you don't think sex is that important, whereas I put more emphasis on it.

I don't think this makes you a bad person, but it may make you incompatible with me. This may be the same for your boyfriend. Or he may just get over it.

People have different opinions on the importance of sex. No one opinion is more "correct" than another. Some people think sex should involve more of an emotional attachment, and not just the spur of the moment one-night stands. Others think sex should be something just for fun, and that there is nothing wrong with one-night stands.

kimhmm · 7 months

He feels that he just another fling. If you love him very much, just accept he feels this way, and you really can't do much else. It's just that he's scared that you will get tired of him, and he will be another number.

Sommiel · 7 months

Your boyfriend is insecure.

[deleted] · 7 months

regarding the possessive/controlling aspect, it might be that he's created this arbitrary line that he's decided is more than he can handle, and that line is 14. If you'd slept with 7 people, would be feel the same way? Anyway, he could easily draw arbitrary lines with other things regarding your behavior. He's already tried to make you feel bad about who you are and your experiences, which aside from everythign else, just isn't a constructive way to deal with anything. He's made you nervous about running into people you know, so as you get older, and say, have a job, maybe you have a project with a male coworker, and he'll start getting weird about that. He'll limit your behavior to things that he finds acceptable, and slowly, who you are will just dissolve into this shell that constantly tries to walk on eggshells around him so as not to offend him.

That could be an extreme example, but I think he does show potential for that type of thing now.

TheTesh · 7 months

He definitely has some hang ups but having had 6 partners, 2 of them casual doesn't really give him a leg to stand on with you. Ask him if things don't work out would he continue to rack up sexual partners? How long before he hits 14? Would a girl with 2 sexual partners have a right to be upset with him if he were dating her?

Geek-lover · 7 months

Yeah the way he is acting is going to make him another number. I dont think he's not going to move past this and you deserve better.

big_gordo · 7 months

I'm not sure you'll see this, and I haven't read all 273 comments so maybe it's been said already.

You know what it really is? All of this just came to his knowledge. In some strange way it's like those activities just happened because they just became known to him. It probably feels like cheating a little to him. If he'd known all of this before you two started dating I don't think it'd be an issue at all.

All of that said, it shouldn't be an issue now. If you two have something wonderful this phase isn't going to last. Just keep making him realize that you love him.

truesound · 7 months

I've explained this a number of times. And I wouldn't consider it the singular cause, but it is an oft ignored or unrecognized cause. Your bf isn't jealous of the other dudes. He's jealous of you. Meaning... he wishes he could have had the opportunity to have 14 or more partners. It is really fucking hard, especially relatively, for men to attract sexual partners. It takes a lot of fucking work. Women don't approach us in bars, buy us drinks and hope to get lucky that night if they prove themselves to be interesting enough. They sit and wait for us to do it. And plenty of guys do. I'm significantly older and have recognized this and these days the only time that I have a problem with a woman's sexual history is when she has a problem with her sexual history. If you were able to recognize this concept and discuss it with him, you may make some progress.

A secondary problem may be, and I have experienced that, that he's afraid you've sexed yourself out, given everything a try and may not be as interested in the exploration that he might be into. These two causes are related. I can't tell you how many times a woman has said "I used to like to have group crystal meth dungeon orgies where me and my girlfriends would stuff an entire store inventory in one another while getting hammered in all holes or diddling ourselves and watching. But I don't want to do that with you. You're a nice guy." It's fucking depressing. I'd have like... ten dollars if I had a dollar for every one.

shabutaru118 · 7 months

The past never just goes away. And saying "thats that" about it does nothing to help him be more confident. I had to deal with the same issues your bf did. You need to show him that you've changed, otherwise, according to him at least, you could just consider him just another number.

iJeff · 7 months

A lot of people on reddit are a lot more sexually liberal than your average person. I'd personally feel a bit uncomfortable about both 14 and 6 at your age but would also acknowledge that it's an entirely irrational feeling. I can't speak for your bf but I personally think gender doesn't come into play here; I consider the numbers daunting for both men and women.

Nonetheless, fuck everyone on this thread saying that your bf is inherently sexist, the same people who happen to also be downvoting a lot of legitimate advice. Talk to him but don't read too much into it. Emphasize the importance of what you have that negates all past experiences. That and the fact that your entire past led him there to you.

Best of luck.

DogPencil · 7 months

Sounds like he knows his feelings aren't healthy or positive. Perhaps he can go to a counselor and talk about it. If he really wants to get past this, it may require a little outside help.

Tails616 · 7 months

Guys are always looking for a solution to fix the problem. If you try doing something with him you've never done before, you might make it seem like he's special(good thing). One thing on the edit: I can see how they think that, and I feel like that's possible, while it could also be that he has had problems with this in a past relationship and is still upset a little about it. Ask him if this is the case. It could just be his own insecurities.

Feel free to PM me with the answer and I'll tell you my take :D

eipiplusone · 7 months

I suspect that he worries that the old easy to fuck you will pop out one day in the future and tear out his heart. That's not necessarily being insecure.

The person you were when you fucked all those guys, including and especially the one night stands is still you. He hears that you have decided at the moment not to do that any longer, but he knows deep down in his gut that you could just as easily decide you were wrong to give it up and that you've decided you need to fuck around again.

It's not the number that bothers him, it's the ease at which you decided to fuck that is likely the core problem. He worries you'll find yourself in a similar situation one day, maybe after a fight or on a business trip. That you'll rationalize it, and have a little fun.

dfuse · 7 months

There's a lot of White Knights in here but here's some real talk: men and women are different. Generally (read: in almost all cases), women are the ones who choose when sex will happen. After finding out a gf was previously intimate with a larger number of men then he's comfortable with, men generally feel angry/insecure/devastated/etc and they feel like they bought the cow when everyone else was getting the milk for free. This has been the case since the beginning of written human history and in all cultures. If you want to deny that's how human beings work in this era, that's your call but the weight of history is against you. People can concoct all the metaphysical, sociological, or intellectual explanations for why this is unfair and unjust, but that's how most human beings work.

elmartirbientostado · 7 months

I've seen it said before (as this question keeps popping up), but if he loves you, he needs to accept that part of what makes you the person he loves, is your past experiences. He doesn't have to love that you've had other partners, but he needs to accept it and move on.

ChicagoRunner · 7 months

[deleted]

therealandrew · 7 months

My wife slept with lots of guys before we met and it does not bother me at all because it is none of my business. our sexual histories came up in conversation a couple of times and that's about it. I love my wife and my wife loves me and we both trust each other.

jealousy can ruin a relationship. You have to show him your perspective. like ask him if the situations were reversed how would he feel? and also assure him that he is your only partner and that you love him/need him.

spark3d · 7 months

It reflects incredible low self esteem and lack of trust on your boyfriends part. Different people have different number of partner's in their past.

He either needs to accept it and stop acting so weird, or get out.

fullofheart2020 · 7 months

He is struggling with societal notions of what's appropriate. One would hope that he knows you and would be able to get past this, but I think there isn't much you can do to help him do it. He needs to be able to see that he's the one with the problem, not you. Now, one thing, which I don't know if it would help, but if he feels like he's "just another number," wouldn't it stand to reason that then, if you've had sex with anyone over one person, everyone else is "just another number?" In which case, you could make the same argument to him, he would say that's ridiculous and you would say, "exactly." I somehow doubt that would work, but if, for some reason, you guys end up breaking up over this, he will regret it so much. He's 24, and he's only getting older, and unless he wants to date an 18 year old virgin, he's going to have to deal with his partner having had previous partners.

anotheracount · 7 months

Maybe its not how many you slept with but how many relationship you've had, some people are just not the settling down type. That would explain the number thing like if he's just #15. He needs to get over that and work at being happy, there is no guarantee in any relationship.

Hartastic · 7 months

He feels insecure. Your greater experience is making him feel small. That's all perfectly natural and understandable.

But: he also needs to get over it, and soon. A relationship can only take so much of this. You would be a good partner to tolerate a certain amount/duration of irrationality on his part, and you would be a bad one (and bad to yourself, what's more) to tolerate an unlimited amount of it.

Maybe you say something like: "I get why this makes you feel insecure, and I'm going to try to be understanding and tolerant of your freakouts over it for another month while you get used to it, but after that it's on you to grow the fuck up." Except more diplomatically.

And, sadly/honestly, he may just not be able to get over it in this relationship, and it might take the pain of losing you and later realizing the fuckup he made to get it right for his next more experienced girlfriend.

ignatia_amara · 7 months

As someone who has repeatedly run into this problem, here's what you do:

Tell him that the people you've been with in the past are exactly that: IN THE PAST. They have no bearing on your current situation with him, and having slept with people before him doesn't change your feelings towards him. Remind him what those feelings are, should he need a refresher.

But you also need to make it very clear that you will no longer tolerate this behavior. I don't know why he seems to believe it's ok to shame you for your experience, but it's not. It's controlling and possessive and NOT OK. If he had been the one with the higher number and you were the one with an issue, whose position would he be more understanding of? Probably his, because he wouldn't believe that sleeping with whatever number of people makes him a bad person or impairs his ability to be a responsible adult in a monogamous relationship. He needs to understand that your previous sexual experience is not going to cause you to run wildly through the streets sleeping with whatever moves. You love him and want to be with him. If he can't understand that, then your relationship is not going to work, you know?

jacksparrow1 · 7 months

14 isn't even that many!

Prodigal_Daughter · 7 months

Suddenly it came to light when I asked why our sex life had slowed down significantly.

Pay close attention to what's happening here. Your boyfriend is slut shaming you for your past to avoid the real issue at hand: Problems in your current sex life. Rather than being introspective about himself, or generating ideas on how to improve you sex life, he is making the past the issue, rather than your present circumstances.

Do not, under any conditions, apologize for your sexual history. He cannot shame you for your past if you have nothing to be ashamed of. Ask him what makes you a different person now than who you were before he knew your your number. Ask him what led to the decline in your sex life before this topic came up.

Most importantly, ask him where he wants to go from here. Obviously, you can't revirginize yourself. What does he hope to accomplish by making you feel bad about your past?

warriorsmurf · 7 months

He needs to get over it. An average of 2.33 sex partners per year is not that much, and you've already demonstrated your commitment by being with him for a year. Consider this a warning sign of possessive, controlling behavior.

Flapjackdj · 7 months

Woah, woah, woah, okay, we have a problem. Your boyfriend's discomfort and jealousy about your past is a gigantic, neon, flashing sign of other problems that he has. It might not seem that way to you, right now, but believe me, other shit will rear its ugly head in the future (if it hasn't already, and you just haven't noticed, yet). He is clearly very insecure about himself AND your relationship, if he feels like he's just another number.

And his response when you say hello to a guy on the street is FUCKED. I would not tolerate that, if I was in your shoes. That is unacceptable to me.

Yes, he feels threatened. And he feels threatened for reasons that actually don't directly involve you or your past. He feels threatened because he is insecure about himself. That's the main problem.

My last boyfriend had similar image problems, but the issues were related to educational level, income and other non-sexual topics. After four years, I left him because he was not only not making any effort to change and grow, after I had been incredibly supportive, but he was actually regressing and becoming more and more childish. It got to the point where I stopped liking him as a person and just the thought of touching him made me feel ill. My mistake was I didn't move on sooner, he was my first boyfriend, blah blah blah and I had a hard time letting go. But it should have ended after two years, really. That was when I got that sinking feeling that he was never going to improve. And he didn't. He still hasn't. And he's lost other relationships since ours because of it.

Don't do what I did. It already sounds like he's starting to throw accusations at you with the "my boyfriend just assumes I have hooked up with them..." situation. It will get worse. He is already confusing your past with the present and questioninHe needs to grow up and right now, he has no reason to. He needs to find a worthwhile reason to change or he will not solve the problem. It's up to you how long you want to keep trying, but I'm telling you... don't be surprised if he never figures it out during the course of your relationship. Unless he has a dramatic and life altering event that changes his POV on many things, causing him to learn and grow, become less insecure, etc., you will not be happy with him and he will get worse.

I'm sorry. You're with a little boy right now. If you want to marry someone, spend the rest of your life with them and work with them on issues that will be way more traumatic than this, then you need to look for a man. Best of luck to you.

titos334 · 7 months

I've dated someone with a number larger than you, not by a lot, I was number #16 or something like that. I got to admit it bothered me a little bit. It bothered me and maybe him because the numbers are so different. The fact that you have had more than him and are talking about marriage might may him feel trapped, like he might want to experience more.

For the possesive/controlling qualities that may or may not exist the number of parters you have had could be seen as a sign of caution for the opposing side.

bayleo · 7 months

Without knowing him better we can't really tell if his jealousy is born from some rather insidious controlling nature or simple immaturity. I would tend to use Hanlon's Razor here and go w/ the latter. I think most guys are very jealous/immature in their first few relationships but eventually slough off those societally ingrained ideas of virtuous monogamy & virginity. I would think, however, that four relationships would be enough to force to him to grow up; is he maybe exaggerating the scope/number of his past relationships?

hermione9 · 7 months

It's the exact same way in my relationship. he has had less partners than me, but only because I've been sexually active longer. I've had a long term relationship before him, as well as casual hook ups. he's only had casual things, but says my number is too high and he's probably just another one. it makes me sad =/

if I say I want to marry him, I mean it. that means he isn't another number, and I don't just want him for sex. my past is over.

and, most of the guys I talk to, or are my friends, I have not slept with. my friends are my friends....

so yeah, I don't really know what to do. hopefully you can resolve your issues. it seems like such a shame to just leave.

TruthKnowI · 7 months

I don't get this. I would love to have a girl with a fun sexual past.

Geek-lover · 7 months

Yeah the way he is acting is going to make him another number. I dont think he's not going to move past this and you deserve better.

elhefe19d · 7 months

I was kinda the first way when I got with my last gf (Not the current one) I was her #18th so I was a bit distraught,

But then I realized that I dont think that people should be judged by having a fun time, who cares how many times you've been penetrated or not by how many different people. If you two are attracted to eachother, then its gonna work out. BUT you just need to show him that he's not another number and he means everything to you

ThereAreDozensOfUs · 7 months

As a possessive person who used to pull this stuff, he's self conscious, and i seems, probably has low self-esteem. He puts you on a pedestal, and thinks in the relationship, he is the reacher, while you are the settler. All of this being understood, do you re-enforce the notion that you are with him, and very happy with him? You might have to artificially boost his self-esteem. A key situation is if you do run into one of the guys you in the past had relations with, and as you introduce one to the other, you hold your boyfriend's hand or introduce him as your boyfriend, then a kiss on his cheek or whatever. It shows him that you are with him now, and not with the other person.

I guess just be reassuring, but even after busting your ass and trying to boost his self esteem as much as possible he doesn't improve and become more confident, well then that's a mood killer

[deleted] · 7 months

You've done nothing wrong. Good grief, plenty of girls and guys go through 14 in a semester. He needs to lighten up or lose you. Cut away everything else and it's just about that simple.

Of course, you should kind, considerate, and all that good stuff - but you have to be honest - and you have been. He better wake up to how lucky he is.

Your confidence may worsen his insecurities. You'll want to be helpful with that, but he's got to do the work on getting his head straight.

Flash_Daaaa · 7 months

Have him watch sex and death 101: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0497972/

In the movie the main character knows he is supposed to have sex with 101 girls, and he knows their names. He discovers the last name on the list is a woman who has sex with her victim and then kills him. So his natural assumption is he is going to be one of her victims... and he tries hard to avoid it.

However when he meets her, if I remember right, they actually fall in love and get married. Point being, its just a number, it has to stop somewhere, and for you, that number is 14(if things work out).

Also, he does sound possibly controlling if he has these jealousy issues that easily. He can probably work on it, but he needs to know about it.

RandianHero · 7 months

He needs to man up and stop acting like such a baby. Only a totally insecure loser would be bothered by someone's sexual history.

[deleted] · 7 months

He may be #14 sexually, but can't you explain to him that this means nothing when it comes to actual, genuine, lasting, relationships? I imagine that if you try to count relationships that are like the one with your boyfriend, your number will be a lot lower. Not that numbers should matter, but that might help put it into perspective for him.

andrewdown · 7 months

Is it possible he feels like you would have considered sharing the rest of your life with some of those other guys, but they decided they didn't want that? That might be why he doesn't feel special; he has it stuck in his head that he is settling for something those other guys passed over.

Having said all that, it's great that you don't feel a need to explain yourself, and this guy is acting pretty immaturely.

whatthehellisedgy · 7 months

I experienced a very similar situation with an ex of mine, though it sounds much more abusive than yours.

I've slept with a lot guys, both in relationships and one night stands, while my ex had only had a couple partners - I was the first person he ever really enjoyed sex with. He was extremely uncomfortable about this, and would consequently tell me I was a whore or a slut on a regularly basis. At first, I apologised, but then I realised - I can't build a time machine, go back and unsleep with those guys. What's done is done!

The sum of who I am includes what I have done, and have no regrets about sleeping with the people I did.

The important thing for me was to recognise that sex is sex, but it's the emotion attached that's important - you may have slept with other guys, but you've never felt the emotion that you have for your BF before.

I hope this helps!

dangerboots · 7 months

My boyfriend told me I was his 15th lover before we got together. It was a little alarming at first (I had only slept with two other guys before him), but I really liked him so I tried not to think about it too much.

He reassured me that I was much more compatible with him in bed than any other woman he'd slept with before me, and that made it a lot easier. Now it doesn't really bother me. As long as you make it clear to your boyfriend that he's not just another number and he's special for you, he should have no reason to fear. Those guys were past and your boyfriend is present. He'll need to accept that before he can start feeling better.

Boss_Monkey · 3 months

My condolences. May the one without sin cast the first stone.

koalainfestation · 7 months

This guy is just wrong and it may very well take more than you telling him something to convince him that his viewpoint on this is hypocritical and asinine.

tophat_jones · 7 months

He has self esteem issues, as well as a touch of misogyny by the sound of it. This is the 21st fucking century and consenting adults are allowed to have sex. That's that.

His insecurity is going to torpedo your relationship, if it hasn't already.

moscova89 · 7 months

He's self conscious. understandably so. Here are a few questions that just might be floating around his mind. * 1.) Am I the best she's had? * 2.) Am I the biggest she's had? * 3.) Is she thinking about other men while we're having sex? * 4.) Will she leave me for one of her old flames?

and here's the kicker: he might be asking these questions to himself during sex

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