Monogamous Woman Here - Just a few things I would like to say.

rooktakesqueen · 3 months

I think we are sometimes clumsy about separating two ideas:

Monogamy consciously chosen by two people as the structure they feel is best for their relationship and most preferable for themselves.
Monogamy "by default" and all the social norms set up around convincing people that it is the only valid configuration of relationships.

The former is perfectly healthy, and I don't think any of us should knock it. It's no more or less acceptable than a polyfidelitous triad or quad, it just happens to involve two people instead of more than two.

The latter is a bummer. Traditional two-partner monogamy should be considered just one of many valid relationship configurations, rather than being ground into our very psyche from birth by every image we see in society.

DragonHunter · 3 months

Life is a spectrum of feelings and choices. Some people are strictly monogamous in thought and action, and some are strictly poly.

But like any spectrum in life, the extremes are often intolerant of the opposite extreme; that's what makes them extreme.

IN_COG_NEATO · 3 months

As a poly person married to a monogamous woman I don't have any issues with monogamy. I don't diss monogamous people but I absolutely diss people who wear the monogamy label and are flat out hypocrites.

I'll gladly give you this example; There is a woman that I am very close friends with. We're not in a relationship but I have slept over her place more times than I can count. We kiss (lightly), we sometimes cuddle, and we flirt quite a lot. To be 100% clear; I have no interest in having a sexual or romantic relationship with her and the feeling is mutual. She is also friends with my wife and my wife is well aware of everything that goes on between us.

Now this woman will criticize me whenever the subject of my ex girlfriend comes up. She will go out of her way to tell me how immoral I am and how she doesn't approve of my lifestyle.

This same woman is currently dating a married man, just recently ended a relationship with a different man who was in a long-term relationship with someone else, and has cheated on both of her previous husbands.

But she doesn't approve of me having my immoral feelings or lifestyle (FYI I haven't had sex with anyone other than my wife in nearly 2 years and I've never had sex with someone else without my wifes consent (and, then, it was only ever my girlfriend)).

And I've lost count of how many "holier than thou" monogamous people I know who regularly cheat on their "significant" others and laugh it off as "everybody does it".

Those people can all eat a bowl of dicks.

masqueradestar · 3 months

Thank you, as someone not involved in polyamory at all, for being open-minded enough to learn about a subculture and lifestyle so different from your own. As many others have said, you get the extremes on either side of any spectrum (mono-poly, hetero-bi-homo, male-female, etc. etc.); the good news is that there are plenty of us -- I daresay most of us -- who will respect the kind of relationship you're in, regardless if it's exclusive or not, as long as it's respectful and consensual. Just for my 2c, I'm polyamorous and my primary partner is monogamous -- we've been together for 3.5 years or so now. Trust me when I say I try my hardest to understand a monogamous point of view, and vice versa for my partner. :)

lafinass · 3 months

Not all mono people think poly people are greedy sluts. Not all poly people think mono people are suppressing their feelings or lying.

Narrow minded people exist in all walks of life. :)

phaseswitch · 3 months

Very well put! Thanks for reaching out. It's easy for some of us to paint monogamous life as worse than it is -- simply because many of us used to call ourselves monogamous and look back on those days with a twinge of discontentment. Just a twinge! It's nice to be reminded of the variety in a spectrum that can sometimes seem so black and white. Thanks again -- hope you stick around!

Potato567 · 3 months

Keep in mind that the people who post here tend to be the most vocal about their views. There's nothing wrong with monogamy and it works for lots people. Saying either poly or monogamy is the only true way to live us crazy. Just live and let live

LinaeveWorkman · 3 months

My husband and I started out like you guys, and its nice to see that others are so open minded! :) We do all of that: 'hey hon, look at her! She's so cute!' and so forth. It's nice to have someone who you can truly trust and be completely honest with!

We've been talking about polyamory and such only within the last few months, and now my husband is in a new relationship with another woman. At first, we didn't know about poly but thought about opening the relationship because, hey, humans get bored. It didn't mean I thought less of my husband or he of me. It, as you stated, is kind of a turn on to think about as well. After opening the relationship, he only had one sexual relationship and didn't lust after girls like I thought would happen. It was more of an 'I had an itch, I scratched it, if it comes up again I might scratch it again or I might not' kind of mentality. My itch never escalated, so I never scratched...too much school work! XD

Me, personally....I might stay 'monogamous'. I've got too much on my plate with school to really be thinking about entering the dating scene again. If someone comes along? Hey, it happens! I might entertain the notion, I might not. I'm happy with my husband and my (slowly warming up to be) new friend!

As a TL;DR: I'm perfectly fine if you are kind and non-judgmental, it's the self-righteous (polyamorous, Mormon, monogamous, or otherwise) people that grind my nerves. Best quote that really made me think, that I found on this subreddit, was 'I don't own my husband, and he does not own me'. Not verbatim, but there you have it. :)

fivefactor · 3 months

There are many good and rational reasons for monogamy and I have a lot of sympathy with people who choose it. It's only a problem when it's not really a choice but something people only do because it's prescribed by society. I'm happy to see more people talking about the options rather than just dismissing non-monogamy as something that "never works" (I have heard this probably dozens of times).

danshep · 3 months

I don't think anybody here has a problem with people in monogamous relationships. If you describe yourself as 'a person in a monogamous relationship' and you are happy in and faithful to that relationship, I doubt you'll find anybody here disparaging that.

I haven't read much dissing of monogamy here - you might find a bit of "they don't know what they're missing", but that's true of any subculture. What you will see is dissing of self-described monogamists that are actually behaving in polyamorist-like behaviour, but going about it in the douchiest way possible (having affairs, pressuring people into threesomes, lying to their partner(s)).

This said from somebody who has been in a faithful monogamous relationship for over 10 years. Just don't call me a monogamist.

briesa37 · 3 months

I have no problem with people who mutually decide that they only want to be with each other. My problem is the culture where monogamy is forced on people or seen as the only valid relationship style. Sorry if critiques of enforced monogamy sometimes end up unfairly including sane, honest monogamous people.

Pyryara · 3 months

On that note, I'm also very happy for all of you here at polyamory for the relationships you have. Love knows no boundaries, and no one form of love is better then another- being in love is a personal thing that cannot be defined by words like "monogamy" or "polyamory" or anything else.

Well said. I think this is just the usual minority-syndrome that you might find everywhere - look how /r/atheism turned into r/religionspeoplebashing, pretty much.

On /r/polyamory I however do in fact see a lot of people that share your opinion. Many even believe that some people are intrinsically monogamous or polyamorous and couldn't live any other way.

Monogamy does have a few intrinsic problems, however. What if you fall in love with someone else? How do you manage that as a monogamous couple? This questions is not easily answered, and many monogamists will give rather sucky answers (e.g. "I'll simply break up then of course!" or "That would never happen to me!"). The criticism is justified there, I think.

tl;dr: Don't let a few anti-monogamous comments put you off, and enjoy!

sparr · 3 months

People with good relationships tend to stay in them. So, while most monogamous people might not be bad at relationships, most monogamous relationships involve monogamous people who are bad at relationships. The ratio is skewed by the high-frequency serial monogamists. While you and your boyfriend have one great multi-year relationship, bad-at-relationship mono folks are going to have a dozen bad relationships in that same time.

erisacrat · 3 months

I think your post is very well thought out and it brings up for me something that I've always said, people by nature are polyamorous, we choose Monogamy. You mentioned the discussions about bringing someone in, but that you two realized that it's not for you, and it's all good! Your choice to be monogomist works well for you and that's wonderful, and your complete honesty with one another is how all couples should behave. Perhaps you will always stay in a monogamous relationship, perhaps not, but what's great to see is that whatever you two decide, you'll do it together, and that is exactly as it should be. Thank you for the kind words. :)

eine_person · 3 months

You're making a really good point. Sometimes I also tend to be a bit of a bitch on monogamy, but in retrospect I think it's only trying to provoke. A friend of mine has a shirt reading "Monogamy is not a solution". I think it's funny, but I also think (and I'm sure, he thinks similar) for a lot of people monogamy is a solution. I don't know about the case in your homecountry. In Germany Polys are a subculture barely recognised by the mainstream. All friends I told about it reacted like "Well, nothing bad about it, but wouldn't work for me." (Read: They never even heard about it.) People the age of my parents often know, what it is, but think it was forgotten after the 70's and to be socially accepted, we first have to be socially seen.

So basically by "dissing" monogamy I want to make the thought of polyamory stick on people's mind long enough to give it a second look (googling it the next morning after the party for example). If someone is interested enough in the subject to talk to me about, I also kindly admit that ;)

blackberrydoughnuts · 3 months

This is a really nice post. But I just don't think it's healthy or right to try to control what your partner does. If you want to choose to be monogamous for yourself, fine. But most monogamy seems to be "I'm willing to give up other people cause I'd rather give them up than have to deal with you being with other people." That or "I want a monogamous relationship and I insist you promise this and keep to your promise."

Basically, monogamy is fine as long as you don't promise it to someone else. Do it for yourself.

malakhgabriel · 3 months

I appreciate you speaking out. While it's not as rampant on /r/polyamory, I see lots of mono-phobia in poly culture. As rooktakesqueen says, much of it stems from people confusing compulsory monogamy with chosen monogamy, but the clumsy language coupled with the superiority complex some poly folks have make poly culture a threatening place for many mono people. In my own local group, I have to continually call some folks out on things like "Well, mono people are controlling and jealous." It's bullshit, and erases a lot of people who do polyamory badly as well. (Come on, we all know people who are poly, but are controlling, jealous, poor communicators, etc.)

I'm in relationships with two women who identify as varying shades of mono. The way they approach relationships is part of who they are, just like the way I approach them is part of who I am. Defaulting to a single relationship structure is bad, no matter what that structure is, but I get sick of the assumptions and judgments made of them for being true to themselves and understanding the ways that they do relationships best.

I tend to think that healthy relationship skills are healthy relationship skills, no matter the configuration of the relationship.

betweenthe2 · 3 months

If everyone operated on this principle, the world would have a lot more love in it. Thank you for sharing. It is about making conscious choices in life.

rasta-bating · 3 months

This is something my primary and I have been discussing for months. We were attempting to clarify why polyamory makes the dynamic between two people so much more...mature almost... and we believe we nailed it in conversation yesterday, after hearing some monogamous friends of ours come close to divorce.

See, monogamy, while entirely respectable, does tend to breed jealousy. Being envious or jealous is a natural human instinct, and commitment solidifies permission to be jealous. If you've decidedly attached yourself to someone, it becomes extraordinarily simple to breach that person's trust...with what oftentimes can be reduced to either casual attraction (to someone else aside from your SO)... or even just a misunderstanding of a sexual nature.

I'm not saying poly couples are immune to this whatsoever. I am also not saying that ALL monogamous couples have this problem.

What it comes down to is, polyamory encourages several things that monogamy can tend to sweep under the rug.

-Communication: negating the drive to assume things

-Trust: limited/few consequences from your SO produces very little need to lie

-Rationalizing guilt: understanding that guilt can be present even when nothing worth feeling guilty about has occurred

-Meeting needs: realizing that you are only one person, and the chances that you can fulfill every single one of your partner's needs are slim.

Successful monogamy is impressive to me. I spent the first four of our six years together, with an extremely fundamentalist mindset. After much discussion and deliberation, we decided polyamory was right for us, simply because experimenting with it would not only improve our communication skills, but help get our needs met... and best yet... We wouldn't have to break up to do it!

All of that said, monogamy DOES breed jealousy, but if your communication lines are completely open, that effect can be squelched... which is precisely why polyamory works.

fin.

you'll need to login or register to do that

create a new account

login