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[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 719 points720 points ago

Why in the world are you staying awake for so long?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 762 points763 points ago

What a mildly interesting question. I picked up an extra shift at work so my buddy could celebrate his birthday.

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 650 points651 points ago

What kind of amazing job do you have that allows you the ability to reddit through the evening?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 770 points771 points ago

I'm basically just a glorified night guard. Guarding a room full of computers against the dangers of the outside world.

[–]zebrawarrior 179 points180 points ago

Don't they have security systems for this kind of thing?

[–]Babyrape_McMethlab 757 points758 points ago*

Yeah, they're called night guards.

[–]drjesus616 4 points5 points ago

i must make rounds every 2 hours that take around 5-10 minutes, but i do this same thing ... i watch the locked front door to make sure no one tries to open it, and occasionally look at the CCTV's to make sure the world is not on fire

[–]SHFT 91 points92 points ago

You're a good friend.

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 875 points876 points ago

How big is your penis.

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 1060 points1061 points ago

Why thank you.

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 823 points824 points ago

That was a question; how big is your penis?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 1142 points1143 points ago

Oh. You need to work on your puntuation my friend. Unfortunately the topic of my penis is far too interesting for this particular subreddit. Ask me again on r/thingsthatarelegendary.

[–]doginabathtub 217 points218 points ago

That place doesn't exist.

[–]2FishInATank 330 points331 points ago

...yet...

[–]flume 124 points125 points ago

You man the guns, I'll drive!

[–]Thomhobbes 73 points74 points ago

Wait for it...

[–]HerToxicLips 47 points48 points ago

Waiting...

[–]checkforswampleeches 51 points52 points ago

Waitinging...

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]HerToxicLips 44 points45 points ago

Huzzah!

[–]spacemanspiff30 27 points28 points ago

And thus I was able to see the birth of a subreddit

[–]exaltedbladder 52 points53 points ago

This should be a standard question on /r/IAMA sort of like whatos.

Ali Larter, How big is your penis.

I kid, I kid, this is a horrible idea.

[–]warboy 71 points72 points ago

False, this is a great idea.

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 517 points518 points ago

If you were to grow a mustache, what kind of mustache would you want?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 771 points772 points ago

[–]doginabathtub 214 points215 points ago

Do you really feel like you could live up to all the qualities that accompany such a 'stache?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 491 points492 points ago

Alas no, such a thing is beyond my ken.

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 651 points652 points ago

Well is it beyond your barbie?

[–]daychilde 46 points47 points ago

Ach! Crivens!

...if that made sense, join us in /r/discworld. :)

[–]senopahx 35 points36 points ago

My god... there's a Discworld subreddit? My people!

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 761 points762 points ago

What is your favorite constelation?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 915 points916 points ago

Well first off, it's spelled constellation. Secondly, I appreciate all of the cosmos in it's vast, near/possible infinity.

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 872 points873 points ago

It seems like you're trying to cop out of answering the question. I don't appreciate that. This is a crap AMA.

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 989 points990 points ago

Hey now, no need to get hostile. I guess if i had to pick one it would be Andromeda. I could always pick that one out when I was a kid. Would really impress the scout leader when we were cuddled up together.

[–]krigney 514 points515 points ago

wut

[–]ThingsTrebekSucks 320 points321 points ago

Ah the good 'ol days of cuddling up with the scoutmaster as he rubs your back while looking up at the vast universe.

[–]sukitrebek 325 points326 points ago

i found my name twin. hello twin

[–]fetuswiener 169 points170 points ago

Glad I got to witness this moment.

[–]robreddity 50 points51 points ago

Doesn't it just put everything into perspective, Canteen Boy?

[–]MrSnare 32 points33 points ago

isn't Andromeda a galaxy and not a constellation?

[–]General_Mayhem 60 points61 points ago

It's both. The galaxy is so named because it's in the middle of the Andromeda constellation, as seen from Earth.

[–]pooticus 3 points4 points ago

Oh canteen boy?..

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 499 points500 points ago

What is your favorite linux based operating system?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 498 points499 points ago

Ubuntu.

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 548 points549 points ago

You're just copying Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory. I bet you don't even know what Ubuntu OR linix is!!

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 663 points664 points ago

ok you caught me. :/

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 397 points398 points ago

Who do you think would enjoy this subreddit the most, out of anyone in the world?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 503 points504 points ago

[–]doginabathtub 142 points143 points ago

I like that guy.

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 364 points365 points ago

.... How?

[–]aptadnauseum 71 points72 points ago

But... but... he's the worst!

[–]krl1327 116 points117 points ago

Nope, she is.

[–]aptadnauseum 40 points41 points ago

She's just a roof-of-mouth-burn waiting to happen. And she ruins everything... But she's got nothing on Toby.

[–]swanheart 25 points26 points ago

She's the AT&T of people. Only Michael hates Toby!

[–]_pagan_poetry_ 41 points42 points ago

She is the opposite of Batman.

[–]bht123 23 points24 points ago

if i had a gun with two bullets and i was i a room with hitler, bin laden and toby. i would shoot toby twice

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 702 points703 points ago

It's been said that you don't like Cheetos. Is this true?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 726 points727 points ago

yes.

[–]aptadnauseum 376 points377 points ago

WHY THE FUCK NOT?!?!

[–]forrestke18 94 points95 points ago

Read this in Cartman's voice.

[–]cautioncarnival 98 points99 points ago

Puffy and crunchy Cheetos? Because I hate the puffy ones but the crunchy ones are good occasionally.

[–]derptyherp 153 points154 points ago

Screw you, power to the puff.

[–]lLoveLamp 99 points100 points ago

I personally hate the puffy ones but love the crunchy ones. If that interests anyone, I could do an AMA

[–]craftynerd 33 points34 points ago

Have you tried them as a dipper? I'm 9 months pregnant and have experimented dipping them in various food items. So far the best was applesauce.

[–]strayclown 123 points124 points ago

At nine months pregnant your taste buds are not to be trusted.

[–]CoronelBuendia 29 points30 points ago

Really we could just say at a [9]. Basically the same effect...

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 939 points940 points ago

If you were stranded on a dessert island what is one thing that you think you would need for survival?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 1108 points1109 points ago

A spoon.

[–][deleted] 226 points227 points ago

Good god, why am I giggling so much at that response.

[–]NotCheGuevara 60 points61 points ago

Ha ha, dessert. Ahhh. . .

[–]I_Robbed_Bob 85 points86 points ago

Why not a spork?! its a spoon and a fork in one!

[–]Godranks 181 points182 points ago

We don't like your kind here.

[–]graffplaysgod 27 points28 points ago

Kill the infidel!!!

[–]sjoiner95 88 points89 points ago

argument invalid.

[–]tstemm 63 points64 points ago

where the fuck did the L come from in splayd?

[–]invisiblelemur88 44 points45 points ago

...and the Y.

...and the D.

[–]Young_Bonesy 9 points10 points ago

I believe they confused Knife and Blade before they finished the chart, and also misspelt Blade in the process.

[–]alpinemobile 109 points110 points ago

[–]knicksfan21 96 points97 points ago

NO.

[–]StrayCloud 9 points10 points ago

Why the strong aversion? It's not that bad...is it a texture thing? PRE-EDIT: Honestly. I have no idea why this is nightmare-inducing.

[–]TheNuttyIrishman 8 points9 points ago

please tell me that's as fucked up without shrooms as it is now

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 331 points332 points ago

You clearly have a lot of time on your hands. Perhaps you could recommend your favorite tv shows.

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 443 points444 points ago

Sure thing. Here are the list of tv shows that I have seen start to finish: BREAKING BAD, THE BIG BANG THEORY, THE OFFICE, HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER, IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA, PARTY DOWN, ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT, PARKS AND RECREATION, BBC'S SHERLOCK, BLUE MOUNTAIN STATE, MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE, FAMILY GUY, SOUTH PARK, and WISHBONE (in my younger days of course).

I'll edit this list after I answer some other questions because I know I'm missing some.

[–]popeguy 134 points135 points ago

BBC Sherlock eh? A man of taste and distinction

[–]procrastinate4ever 47 points48 points ago

Ah! Fellow connoisseurs - well met.

[–]Tesseraktion 20 points21 points ago

you might even say he's Sherlocked..

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points ago

Ah! Fellow cognoscentes - well met

[–]Support_HOOP 60 points61 points ago

I'm glad you said Blue Mountain State. It's hilarious, but it never gets any love here

[–][deleted] 49 points50 points ago

Thad Castle has some of the best lines in the history of televisions. "ACKNOWLEDGE!"

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 88 points89 points ago

Acknowledged.

[–]wheresmyfish 164 points165 points ago

hey you should watch community!

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 240 points241 points ago

I'm embarrassed I forgot that one. Forgive me.

[–]polarbear128 69 points70 points ago

Also Spaced. You must watch Spaced.
...
cough um...Spaced.

[–]whatevers_clever 26 points27 points ago

ARCHER, FIREFLY.

[–]cereal_killer7 11 points12 points ago

I watch pretty much all the same shows, you REALLY need to watch Shameless, it is astonishingly amazing and gets no love from anywhere.

[–]afcagroo 17 points18 points ago

You didn't list JUSTIFIED. This is a major oversight.

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 574 points575 points ago

If you had one wish what would it be?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 784 points785 points ago

Well I would've wished to become a huge reddit celeb like Forthewolfx, but since that's been done already I guess my second choice would be for world peace. . . Or global domination. Really depends on where I'm at in my day.

[–]norseman23 203 points204 points ago

congratulations on your wish being granted, ZargonsBeard

[–]neon_overload 67 points68 points ago

Arrrr, I don't see no world peace or global domination...

[–]_deffer_ 38 points39 points ago

q

Q

QUEUE

CUE

[–]CptOblivion 40 points41 points ago

kyew

[–]APunchInTheTeeth 242 points243 points ago

If you had the choice, would you fight three snakes or one snake. But here's the twist... the one snake has arms

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 758 points759 points ago

Just the one. The scene would go something like this.

Imagine a medieval jousting ring. The armed snake slithers alone in the center. I approach it tentativly in my chainmail armor. Chainmail so I can be light on my feet. "You came. I didn't think you'd come once you found out I had these!!" The snake bellows and flexes his arms, which strangely enough are all bicep. "That's what your mother said last night, but she was talking about her breasts." I retort. "Hmmph," the snake snorts. "You've got a lot to learn about the snake anatomy. Snakes don't have breasts hahaha," the snake guffaws loudly. "Ah," say I, with a knowing smile on my face. "Perhaps it is you who needs the anatomy lesson." With this I hoist my weapon skyward, The Snake in the Grass, a quick anatomy lesson: Volume Four and shout out "Snakes don't have arms either." The snake shrieks knowing he's been beaten, and disintegrates into ash, beaten by this sudden onslaught of logic. I walk up to the ash stain and urinate on it to the torrential applause of a devoted crowd.

[–]APunchInTheTeeth 98 points99 points ago

[–]vantharion 57 points58 points ago

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 346 points347 points ago

Do you sometimes wonder why you're doing this AMA?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 371 points372 points ago

Just about every character I type on ol' trusty (name of my keyboard). But it really just boils down to which philosophical bend I choose to follow when I get to the "If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" intersection.

[–]LegendaryJay 196 points197 points ago

Scientifically and by definition, it doesn't make a sound. It makes a vibration. Sound is only a sound if it is heard. Its kinda like saying: if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, does it make a sight? Not until viewed

[–]Gamoc 134 points135 points ago

I'm not entirely certain if I'm ok with this answer.

[–]Predinchuk 52 points53 points ago

LegendaryJay is right.

Vibrations are received by the ear and the "sounds" that you hear are created by your brain. Sounds require both a source and a receiver.

[–]hydroxyl_ion 5 points6 points ago

LegendaryJay is wrong.

sound is simply a longitudinal wave that propagates through a medium at varying speeds depending on various properties of the medium.

it doesn't require anyone to hear it to exist.

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 298 points299 points ago

What are your opinions on bacon based foods?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 430 points431 points ago

Oh I'm definitely pro-bacon. However I think that it should only be served in it's most bacon centric form. When you start adding it to things like cheeseburgers, or pizza, or condoms, you take away from the beauty and raw flavor of the bacon. Thusly you disrespect the bacon. Wasn't the six-and-a-halfth commandment "Thou shalt never disrespect the bacon, or a team of Monty Python cultists shall come forth and smite thee with the HOLY HAND GRENADE". Of course this was followed by the instructions for the Holy Hand Grenade which are long and verbose and don't need to be posted here.

[–]brokenvader 96 points97 points ago

I... I think I love you. DAMMIT.

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 226 points227 points ago

What you doing Thursday?

[–]paetactics 77 points78 points ago

brokenvader and I will be having fun with bacon flavoured condoms.

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 215 points216 points ago

Not anymore. DIBS

[–]captainzigzag 17 points18 points ago

Please tell me bacon flavoured condoms are already a thing. Because if they aren't, then people are just stupid.

[–]csolisr 13 points14 points ago

"When you start adding it to things like cheeseburgers, or pizza, or condoms" and there you got my point

[–]Concussi0n 84 points85 points ago

Shouldn't a "night guard", guard the night? Like batman?

[–]Zomgwtf_Leetsauce 168 points169 points ago

Nah, he fights the Day Man

[–]Concussi0n 197 points198 points ago

Night Guard, enemy of day man.

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 245 points246 points ago

This guy gets it.

[–]_D_a_y__M_a_n_ 93 points94 points ago

so we finally meet, night man...

[–]nightmanyeah 18 points19 points ago

This is Night Man, Yeah...

[–]_D_a_y__M_a_n_ 6 points7 points ago

AAA-AAA-AAAAA!

[–]blue_barracudas 28 points29 points ago

AaaAhhhhhhhh

[–]artifex0 17 points18 points ago

A night guard should guard the night like Batman mans the bat.

[–]Concussi0n 8 points9 points ago

Wrong. He should be the Bat Manner then.

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 213 points214 points ago

Hulu Plus, or Netflix?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 241 points242 points ago

It's funny you should ask that because I originally had a netflix account, but it doesn't have the newest episodes of the tv shows that I like so I just got Hulu Plus today to try it out. We'll see how it goes.

[–]ed2417 203 points204 points ago

Verified?

[–]doginabathtub[M] 238 points239 points ago

Uh, sure. Wait, where's the mod voice button. I can almost reach it... THERE WE GO.

[–]nickjenkem 57 points58 points ago

Hey everyone! This guys a phony!

[–]Bounced 93 points94 points ago

Rare, medium, or well done?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 421 points422 points ago

I love a tender pink center.

[–]doginabathtub 252 points253 points ago

Don't we all.

[–]masterhikari 114 points115 points ago

HIGH-FIVE

[–]Free_High_Fives 200 points201 points ago

DAMNIT I WAS LATE!!!!!!!!!!

[–]aptadnauseum 9 points10 points ago

HERE YOU GO

o/

also with beer for cheering

o/u

[–]Xintendation 86 points87 points ago

Any advice for an aspiring sleep depriver?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 324 points325 points ago

I think you mean sleep deprivee. I sleep depriver would be someone who doesn't allow another person to sleep. In any case, we all just have to carve our own path.

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 492 points493 points ago

I'm unsatisfied with this response.

[–]SpelingTroll 29 points30 points ago

What is your favorite carving tool?

[–]derptyherp 51 points52 points ago

Why are you asking him? Clearly we should be asking OP these sorts of questions.

[–]CptOblivion 104 points105 points ago

Snowboard.

[–]captainzigzag 117 points118 points ago

I'd just like to say that this AMA is easily about three or four times better than Woody's.

[–][deleted] 36 points37 points ago

jokes on you; FOUR TIMES ZERO IS STILL ZERO!!!!111!!one!

[–]kathvic 39 points40 points ago

three or four? this is a million times better, I couldn't get through the first few comments on Woody's but this guy is amazing!

[–]scelton315 131 points132 points ago

I have you tagged as Split Personalities.

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 542 points543 points ago

I have you tagged as "potential biggest fan".

[–]Poisonsmile 128 points129 points ago

I tagged you as "Doesnt like cheetos".

[–]Underyx 43 points44 points ago

I have you tagged as "potential biggest heatsink".

[–]treegrass 49 points50 points ago

I don't have you tagged at all. any suggestions?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 185 points186 points ago

Gods messenger?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 281 points282 points ago

Don't get religion involved

[–]HEmile 79 points80 points ago

Do you like monologues?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 305 points306 points ago

No. Can't stand them. When I read books I skip to the dialogues parts.

[–]treegrass 76 points77 points ago

what about triologues?

[–]ColonelForge 107 points108 points ago

That's just sick.

[–]grnat 41 points42 points ago

If you could punch 3 animals, what would they be? (In order from hardest punch to most tired punch.)

Edit, no question mark in my question?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 143 points144 points ago

Correct there was no question mark in your question.

[–]grnat 11 points12 points ago

Ah, ok thanks.

[–]Boldprussian 9 points10 points ago

Because ZargonsBeard hasn't answered, I will. Assuming they wouldn't fight back, I would punch a Hippo, an Orangutan, and an Alligator. Just because.

[–]grnat 11 points12 points ago

I like that you added reasoning and your logic was so sound.

[–]Oniwabanshu 65 points66 points ago

This is one of the most awesome AMA...can't stop laughing.

[–]Hunt3r_ 75 points76 points ago

Why do you ask yourself so many questions?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 329 points330 points ago

I'm afraid I don't understand the question. I don't ask myself questions.

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 395 points396 points ago

Dude you've been talking to yourself this entire tim.

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 485 points486 points ago

Who is Tim?

[–]Drewdle883 87 points88 points ago

The enchanter!

[–]projectrx7 46 points47 points ago

Some call me... Tiiim?

[–]Mcflexington 21 points22 points ago

Maurice*

[–]lemisset 51 points52 points ago

[–]Mustachio_Bandito 12 points13 points ago

The doorman.

[–]_deffer_ 9 points10 points ago

The toolman

[–]SnuggieAddict 59 points60 points ago

Favorite That 70's Show Girl - Jackie or Donna?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 266 points267 points ago

Soulless ginger, or beautiful Russian princess hmmm...

[–]cautioncarnival 46 points47 points ago

This is the greatest AMA I have ever seen. You, sir, are my hero.

[–]Wulibo 44 points45 points ago

16 hours ago you posted you'd be here for 8 hours. You stopped posting 15 hours ago, meaning you spent <2 hours replying. About 7 hours ago you replied a little more, which is more than 8 hours after the original post. At this time you bestof'd yourself. 2-3hours ago you started commenting again, and have stopped at least 2 hours ago.

With this in mind, it is difficult to say if you were able to stay up that time, or if something happened, etc.

I did the math, please dignify me with an answer. Please, in as much detail as you can without being ridiculous, describe your night.

[–]suilezrof 19 points20 points ago

If you had a time machine whould you go back in time or forward in time?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 128 points129 points ago

Both. Go back and invest. Then go forward and live comfortably.

[–]SomeCleverUserName 21 points22 points ago

that... is the best answer i've ever heard.

[–]there_will_be_a_test 37 points38 points ago

Are you still alive?

[–]ramrob 37 points38 points ago

Cobra or Mongoose?

[–]ZarqonsBeard[S] 146 points147 points ago

[–]Oniwabanshu 16 points17 points ago

Snnnaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaakkkkkeeeeee!!

[–][deleted] 36 points37 points ago*

You need 1000 MG of caffeine and a two liter of Mountain Dew to stay awake for 24hrs? I can do 24 hours standing on my head. It might be genetic though.

I was born in a country that was engaged in civil war in the 90s. One particularly gruesome week my mom, a surgeon, in her early 30s stayed up for 3 days straight and ate nothing that whole time. She says by the end of it she saw so many dead bodies that the living appeared as if they were dead.

Most of the people were brought in dead.

[–]reverend_bones 19 points20 points ago

Methinks it is time for you (and your Mom) to do an AMA, sir.

[–][deleted] 13 points14 points ago

I'll ask her if she's interested in doing one, only if there is interest in such a subject though.

[–]sujetdirect 10 points11 points ago

ಠ_ಠ

[–]Dsch1ngh1s_Khan 19 points20 points ago

What is your primary source of caffeine?

[–]Fragmaster 38 points39 points ago

Went to ZarqonsBeard's page and upvoted everything until I got bored.

[–]daychilde 40 points41 points ago

Wasted your time, my friend. Votes on users' pages are ignored (or possibly ignored after a couple or few, at the very least).

[–]treegrass 29 points30 points ago

that's why you go to their page and hit permalink on all their comments, then go upvote all those.

[–]Fragmaster 36 points37 points ago

TIL how to upvote and make it count.